


Through These Eyes

by damiensirius



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (spoilers in tags), AU, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Destiel - Freeform, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug-Induced Sex, Drugs, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Prostitute Castiel, Prostitute Dean, Prostitution, Underage Drinking, Vomiting, homophobic parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 09:44:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 32,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3130013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damiensirius/pseuds/damiensirius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I know I’ve always loved him too much. I’ve loved him more than what was healthy for me. I don’t know what my life would’ve been like if I hadn’t met him. Or if I would’ve noticed that the love – or whatever it had been – between us wasn’t healthy anymore. A lot longer, probably. A lot more livable. But better?"</p><p>(I suck at summaries, okay? Please give it a chance xx)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Indulgence

**Author's Note:**

> Please be aware that I CHOOSE not to use Archive warnings. This doesn't mean that none apply.  
> Also English isn't my first language, so please forgive me any mistakes, but feel free to comment them, so I can correct it.  
> Enjoy xx

_January 24 th, 2003_

_Kicking the apartment door shut behind himself, Castiel let his bag fall down on the floor, stumbling through the corridor to his bedroom. His vision was blurry; he was constantly drunk since like three days. Or were it already five? He didn’t know anymore._  
 _He let himself fall down on the shabby mattress, kicking the boots from his feet. With shaky hands, he pulled the picture out of his pocket, looking at it one last time._  
 _The man on the picture was smiling. His green eyes were shining like a thousand emeralds, freckles scattered over his nose and his cheek, his pouty lips widened in a smile._  
 _It hurt. Looking at the picture, thinking about him still hurt so much. But Castiel couldn’t stop. It was an addiction. Not only the memories, but also the pain. The pain showed him that he had been real. That he had been there._

_And not much longer until they’d finally be re-united._

                                                                                                 

_October 2001_

> **_Leviticus 20:13  
>  If a man lays down with another man, he should be stoned._ **

Castiel could remember this bible verse better than anything else in this world. He had lost count over how many times he had heard this quote in the last five years. A constant reminder that he was wrong. That he was sick.  
But not anymore. He had changed. He wouldn’t let those sinful thoughts get to him ever again.

Castiel took a deep breath and checked his reflection in the mirror one more time. Today, he would finally do this. He would finally be a normal teenager.  
He straightened his shirt before he eventually went downstairs. His parents were in the living room, acting as if they were watching TV, but Castiel knew that they were only waiting for him. He stepped into the room and waved awkwardly.  
“I, uh, I’m gonna leave then,” he said hesitant. His mother came up to him and fumbled on the collar of his black shirt.  
“Have a nice evening, dear,” she said and kissed him on the cheek.  
His father laid his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “Enjoy your evening,” he said, but then his face got serious. “ _But:_ no alcohol, no smoking, no drugs.”  
Castiel laughed briefly. “Don’t worry, dad. I won’t do any of those things.”  
His father nodded and so Castiel left the house and went to the car from his older brother Gabriel, which he was allowed to borrow for tonight.  
Right when he started the engine, his phone vibrated in his pocket; he got a text message, from Ruby, one of his classmates.

_Plans changed. Meet us at Purgatory, the club at the Burberry Street._

Usually, Castiel would’ve asked why; he wasn’t a fan of short-termed changes, but tonight, he was just way too excited. Because even though he was older than most of his classmates – since he had spent eighteen months in some kind of religious church-camp in France – he had never been clubbing, or at a party in general.  
So yes, he had been overly excited when his new classmates had invited him to go with them.  
Castiel drove through the streets, excitement growing with every mile.  
When he arrived there, he parked the car and walked to the entrance, looking out for his friends. He couldn’t find them anywhere, so he sent a message to Ruby, asking where they were. The answer came a few seconds later.

_We already went in. Got cold waiting._

Castiel frowned. It really wasn’t cold. But then he shrugged and went to the club. He had no problems getting inside. Loud music surrounded him as soon as he stepped through the door. He looked around, searching for his classmates. His eyes scanned the crowd for familiar faces and that was why he needed so long to realize it.  
In this whole club were only men.  
Now, maybe Castiel wasn’t always really “up to date”, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew what kind of a club this was.  
Castiel stumbled backwards, some guys gave him weird looks when he almost fell down. Maybe he was overreacting. But he was so afraid of the demons, his father had warned him about, getting him.  
When Castiel had been thirteen, he’d had a crush on another boy. He hadn’t known that this was wrong, sick until his parents had found out. They had read to him from the bible, had told him about God’s opinion to people who were like this. They lived in sin and they would go to hell. So Castiel had spent the last five years fighting against this sickness and praying to God to forgive him his sinful thoughts.  
“Hey, you alright?”  
Castiel winced startled when suddenly someone stood right in front of him and laid his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. Castiel’s head snapped back and suddenly he was caught in two deep green eyes. A bolt of electricity shot through his body and he knew something had just changed, but he couldn’t say what it was.  
“Are you alright?” the guy repeated when Castiel didn’t answer after the first time.  
“I, uh, I n-need to get out of here,” Castiel stuttered. He tried to step forward, but his legs gave in and he broke down on his knees. Everything was turning and he couldn’t breathe. What if his parents would find out? They would be raging.  
“Hey, hey, hey.” The other guy was suddenly right in front of Castiel again and grabbed his upper arm, pulling him up on his feet. “I’ll bring you outside,” he said. “Okay?”  
Castiel barely managed to nod, but as soon as they had left the club, he felt better.  
“You alright?” the green-eyed guy asked him.  
Castiel nodded and involuntarily eyed him closer. He was really… handsome. His hair was light brown, his eyes were incredibly green and he was tall – good two inches taller than Castiel. Also he seemed to be athletic. The dark shirt he was wearing, wasn’t necessarily tight, but Castiel could spot the lean muscles underneath it though. When Castiel noticed that the way he looked at the guy wasn’t just innocent curiosity anymore, he hastily turned his head and stepped away from him.  
“Hey, uh, are you sure you’re okay?”  
“Yes,” Castiel hissed. “Go away.”  
“Well, uh, you don’t look like you’re okay. Did you, y’know, take something?”  
Castiel frowned in confusion and looked at the guy again. “What?!”  
“Y’know,” the guy said and eyed Castiel, also frowning. “Drugs.”  
Castiel scoffed. “I’m not taking any drugs. I just want you to stay away from me!”  
The other guy scoffed in disbelief. “Fine. It’s not like I just brought you out of there when you almost passed out, right? So why thank me.” He shook his head and turned away from Castiel. “Good luck next time.”  
Now Castiel felt bad. His parents had always taught him to be polite and he had already done enough bad things tonight.  
“I’m sorry,” he said hastily. “Thank you. For bringing me out of there.”  
With a light smile on his lips, the other guy turned his head to Castiel again. “Better,” he smirked then.  
“Wait!” Castiel said hastily when the guy wanted to leave. “Can I… can I ask you something?” Castiel didn’t know why he was doing this. He only knew that he shouldn’t.  
“Sure.” The green-eyed turned back around.  
“Are you…” Castiel hesitated. “Are you… one of those people?” he asked then.  
For a moment, there was a confused expression on the guy’s face. Then it changed to amusement. “One of _those_ people?” he asked, noticeably trying to hold back a laugh. “You mean if I’m gay?”  
Castiel felt how his face turned dark red. “Uh… yes,” he managed to say.  
“Y’know… usually, people want to know my name first,” the guy grinned and tilted his head.  
By now, Castiel was so embarrassed, that he couldn’t even answer anymore. He just stood there like the biggest dork on earth, his mouth open, but no sound coming out of it. Oh, how he wished he would’ve just let the guy leave!  
“I’m Dean,” the guy said then, still noticeably amused by Castiel’s embarrassment. “And yes,” he continued fondly. “I _am_ gay. What else would I do in there?”  
Castiel involuntarily stepped back. Dean was right. It really was obvious. “Right. I, uh, I gotta go now. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t be here. I- I shouldn’t talk to you.”  
“Hold on a sec.” Dean was suddenly right next to him and before Castiel could react, Dean’s hand grabbed the golden necklace with the cross, Castiel was wearing since he got baptized.  
“Really?!” Dean asked then, almost raging. “You’re one of those religious preachers who think they can show up here and tell us we live in sin and we are sick and all this bullshit?! Why are you even here? Just go back to this fucking church you crawled out of and leave us here in peace!”  
Dean pulled his hand back as if the golden cross had burned his palm and then pushed Castiel against the chest. Castiel stumbled backwards and fell down. Tears burned in his eyes when the situation reminded him of something that had happened a few years ago. Somehow, it had been similar, but though totally different.  
It had been when his older brothers had found out that he had a crush on a guy. They had beaten him up, told him that he was sick, that he should go back to hell, that he was unworthy.  
Castiel forced himself to get up on his feet, tears streaming down over his face.  
Dean sighed. “Jeez, you don’t have to cry now. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just really don’t understand why you are here if you are against gays.”  
Castiel just stared at Dean for a long moment. How could he be so… self-secure? How could he live like this? How wasn’t he terribly afraid of going to hell?  
Only when Dean frowned confused for a moment, Castiel realized that he had said it out loud. In the next moment though, Dean smiled softly at him.  
“What’s your name?” he asked then. “You didn’t tell me.”  
“Castiel,” he mumbled quietly; he didn’t know what he should think from the way Dean acted.  
“Castiel,” Dean repeated, as if he had to test how the name sounded out of his own mouth. “You have some time?” he asked then. “I’d like to talk to you a little.”

* * *

**__ **

They talked long this evening. Dean told Castiel a lot about the different reactions people had when they found out someone was gay, and the explanations they had for it.  
So far, Castiel had only known one of them.  
The people, who told him that he was sick and wrong, because the bible said there should be a man and a woman, not two men or two women.  
Dean had also told him about other people, people who would make fun of gays, simply because they thought they weren’t real men, because they ‘got dicks up their asses’, to say it in his words.  
But there were other people too. Some thought it was okay. They said everyone would have the right to love whoever they wanted to.  
Castiel thought a lot about this, long after he said goodbye to Dean and promised to call him. Long after he arrived at home and lied to his parents about having spent time with his classmates. He was still thinking about the conversation he’d had with Dean when he woke up the next day.  
Especially one thing, Dean had said, he couldn’t get out of his head.  
 _If God really thought being gay was wrong… why would he make us the way we are?_

Castiel closed the last button of his white shirt and then went downstairs, ready for church. His parents and his older siblings – well, the two of them who still lived at home – were already waiting for him.  
“You ready?” his mother asked. Castiel smiled at her and nodded.  
The worship service was probably beautiful as always, but Castiel couldn’t really focus on it; he was still thinking about Dean’s words.  
When they were on their way home, Castiel couldn’t hold back the question any longer.  
“I was wondering…” he began slowly. His mother and his father looked questioningly at him through the rear-view mirror.  
“If… God really thinks being gay is wrong… then why did he make… them the way they are?”  
His father hit the break of the car so hard, Castiel got catapulted in his seatbelt.  
“ _What?!_ ” he asked raging, turning around to Castiel.  
Castiel’s face got pale when he saw his family’s reactions and he pressed himself back in the seat. “I… I was just… w-wondering,” he stuttered.  
His brothers, who sat next to him, looked at him with clear disgust written all over their faces.  
“We’re gonna have a serious talk tonight,” his father muttered and then drove further, since the cars behind them began to honk.  
Castiel’s nervousness grew and grew over the whole drive. He was terribly afraid of the talk with his father. When they arrived at home, Castiel’s hands were cold and sweaty. He clenched them to fists and lowered his head, following his parents inside. His father sent Castiel’s brothers away and told Castiel to follow him.  
When he opened the door to his working room, Castiel swallowed empty. The last time his father had let him in there, had been when Castiel had been thirteen and his parents had found out about him having a crush on a guy.  
His father sat down behind his massive desk and Castiel sat down on the wooden chair in front of it. This way, he had to look up to his father and the giant painting of Jesus on the cross hanging on the wall, which Castiel feared since the first time he had seen it. For a long minute, his father just stared down at Castiel in silence.  
“Why did you ask this?” he finally broke the silence then.  
“I- I, uh, I was just wondering,” Castiel stuttered nervously.  
“Why are you even thinking about… _those people_?” his father spew, as if the words were poison.  
“I- I don’t know,” Castiel whispered, not trusting his voice to work properly.  
His father looked doubting at him and raised an eyebrow. “To… answer your question,” he said then. “God didn’t make them the way they are. They wander on the wrong path. They are sinner. And they will go to hell, because they don’t live the way God wants them to.”  
Castiel looked up to his father, his eyes widened. “But when I… when I was thirteen, why did I feel like this for this boy? I would’ve never wanted to disobey. So why did I feel like this?”  
Rage flamed up in his father’s eyes when Castiel spoke about this. “Sometimes God wants to test people. To see if they’re worthy. If they fight against those sick urges, they will be rewarded. If they don’t… their punishment will get them in hell.”  
Castiel lowered his head. Only when the disappointment hit him, he realized that he had somehow really believed, being gay wasn’t that wrong after all.  
“Do you still have those… urges?” his father asked Castiel, looking at him with narrowed eyes.  
“No,” Castiel said hastily and shook his head, even though he wasn’t sure if this was right. But even if it wasn’t true right now, he would continue to fight against those urges; now that he knew that it was a test even more.  
His father nodded towards him, to show him, that the conversation was finished and Castiel stood up and left the room.  
Gabriel, his second eldest brother, sat in the living room and grinned hatefully at him. “Father held you a lecture?” he asked.  
“He didn’t,” Castiel said, even though it wasn’t really the truth. “He simply answered the question.”  
Without giving Gabriel the chance to say something more, Castiel went upstairs to his room and closed the door behind him.  
Not even two months ago, he’d still had to share this room with Gabriel, but then their oldest brother Michael had moved out, so now there were only Castiel, Gabriel and their adoptive brother Raphael left.  
Castiel was the youngest of them and as if this wasn’t enough, his brothers still teased him about the fact that he’d had a crush on a guy when he’d been thirteen and called him a faggot, even though he had never had thoughts like this again. – Well, none that he had ever mentioned towards someone else.  
Somehow, Castiel found himself standing in front of his desk, holding the paper with Dean’s number on it in his hands.  
He really shouldn’t get in contact with Dean, because Dean was one of _those_ people and Castiel really wanted to fight against those urges, but on the other hand… he had promised Dean. At least he should call him and tell him why they couldn’t stay in contact with each other.  
That was a plausible reason. This way, Castiel didn’t have to break his promise and also didn’t have to feel bad for talking to Dean.  He typed the number into the phone and called Dean.  
“Hello?” Dean answered the call. The second Castiel heard his voice, there was this feeling again. The same feeling he’d had when he’d looked into Dean’s eyes for the first time. He still didn’t know what it was, he only knew he wanted it to stay.  
“Hey, uh, Dean,” Castiel said nervously. “It, uh it’s me, Castiel.”  
“Oh, hey Castiel,” Dean said surprised. “To be honest, I wouldn’t have thought you’d call.”  
A warm feeling grew in Castiel when he heard how happy Dean was about the call. To be honest, he was happy too. He probably would’ve called Dean anyway, even if he hadn’t found a pretext.  
“So, how’s it going?” Dean asked him.  
“Uh, good, I guess,” Castiel answered. “How, uhm, how about you?”  
“Yeah, good too.”  
“Dean, I… I actually called to tell you something,” Castiel said then.  
“Yes?”  
“Please don’t get me wrong,” Castiel said hesitant. “I know, it’s your own life and you can make your own decisions, but you really should stop living like this. It’s… it’s not right. My dad told me it’s a test. God tests us, Dean! But you have to fight against those urges. Otherwise you will go to hell, Dean!”  
For a while, there was silence.  
“I didn’t meant to insult you,” Castiel mumbled. “I’m sorry.”  
“It’s alright,” Dean said. “I know you didn’t mean it like that. I just… you really believe this, don’t you?”  
“Of course I do,” Castiel said frowning. “The bible says so.”  
“Castiel,” Dean said after another moment of silence. “Do you have time tonight? I’d like to meet you again.”

And Castiel said yes.  
He didn’t know why. He actually knew he shouldn’t, but somehow, he couldn’t resist Dean.  
So, this evening at seven, he left the house and went to the bus stop. He had told his parents that he’d go out for a walk. When he arrived at the place, Dean had said they should meet, he looked around nervously. He shouldn’t be here. It was wrong.  
“Hey Castiel.”  
He turned around when he heard Dean’s voice behind him and smiled involuntarily. “Hello, Dean.”  
“Glad you came. So, you wanna go for a walk?”  
Castiel nodded and Dean led him to a nearby park where they walked around a little bit.  
“I… have to admit, I thought a lot about our conversation,” Dean said then. “Or much more about your opinion to being homosexual.”  
Castiel looked over to Dean. “I really didn’t mean to insult you.”  
“I know,” Dean simply said. “That’s not what I wanted to say with this.” He stopped talking and went to a bench on the side of the path. He patted on the place next to him and Castiel sat down.  
“You… seem to really believe those things,” Dean said quietly, looking straight forward.  
“Of- of course,” Castiel mumbled, his gaze following Dean’s.  
“I just ask myself… why does it bother you so much? Like… does it affect you? I mean, I don’t think you’d be this worried about a stranger you just met going to hell for being gay, if it wouldn’t affect you too.”  
Then it all blurted out of Castiel. He didn’t know why – maybe it was because Dean knew it anyway, maybe he just desperately wanted to tell someone – but he couldn’t hold it back.  
“When I was thirteen, I had a crush on another boy. My parents found out and read to me from the bible, taught me that it’s wrong to be this way. That it’s sick. So I began to fight against those feelings and prayed to God for giving me the strength to do the right things.  
And then… on Saturday, some people from my class invited me to go to a party with them. But they sent me to this… to _this_ club and I was so afraid that my parents would find out I’d been there. And then you found me and we talked and then you said this about why God would make you this way, if he thought it was wrong, so I asked my father and then he got angry on me for thinking about this, but he told me it was a test. God tests us to see if we are worth going to heaven or if we belong to hell.”  
After Castiel finished talking, Dean just stared at him for a long minute.  
“Jesus Christ,” he muttered then and shook his head in disbelief. “Your parents really taught you this bullshit?!”  
Castiel winced when Dean called it ‘bullshit’, but nodded.  
“And you really believe it?”  
Castiel nodded again.  
“Well, you shouldn’t.”  
“But the bible-”  
“The bible,” Dean interrupted him, “is a two thousand whatever years old book. Do you realize that it’s impossible to live exactly the way the bible tells us to nowadays?”  
“You don’t have to live _exactly_ like the bible says. But you shouldn’t sin. Especially not like this.”  
“Castiel,” Dean said softly. “This book is old. The rules in it are old. _Too_ old. Just take divorce as an example. It’s forbidden in the bible, but completely normal nowadays. Because people realized that they changed. Society changed, so rules have to change with it.”  
Castiel looked down to the ground. “But… my parents and my siblings say it’s wrong if people love someone of the same sex. It’s a sin.”  
Dean laid his hand on Castiel’s shoulder and Castiel turned his head and looked at him. “I can’t force you to change your opinion,” he said. “If you rather live your life with self-hate because of something you don’t have any control over, then do it. But I can offer you to show that it isn’t wrong at all. That you don’t have to live like that. You could meet other men who feel the same. It’s easier to believe that something is right, if you have more people standing behind you.”  
Castiel turned his head and looked down on his hands again. “But… what if it’s really wrong? What if we’ll go to hell for it? I mean… Why should my father lie to me?”  
“Even _if_ I go to hell for it, I couldn’t care less. I’d rather live my life the fullest and then go to hell for it, than lie to myself my whole life to just _maybe_ come to heaven.”  
Castiel frowned. “Is living a short life like this really worth an eternity in hell?”  
“This question, my friend,” Dean said and laid his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “This question you have to answer for yourself.”

* * *

**__ **

Castiel told Dean that he’d have to think about this first. After he returned home, he went to his room and did his homework, to distract himself for a while.  
After he finished them, it was already nine p.m., so he decided to watch TV for a while. His parents weren’t fans of television, but Castiel had rarely watched any TV lately, so they allowed it to him.  
But he couldn’t really focus on the movie, instead his thoughts always wandered to the conversation with Dean he’d had this evening. The offer was very… tempting. Castiel wished he could think the same way about this whole thing as Dean did. But he was so terribly afraid of his parents finding out and / or him going to hell.  
He decided to wait a few days and take his time with the decision.

The next day in school, his classmates welcomed him with stupid jokes and laughing about him. Castiel laughed with them, not showing how much it had actually hurt him, what they had done to him. – Not only because he was so afraid of his parents finding out he had been there, but also because he had truly believed that he had finally found friends.  
But after a while, acting as if he didn’t care got really had. They just didn’t stop. “Okay, it’s not funny anymore,” Castiel said, trying to stay calm.  
“Awh, c’mon, Cassie. Can't you understand some fun?”  
“I do understand fun. But it’s enough now.”  
They muttered something about him being a douchebag, but then the teacher came into the classroom and they went silent.  
The school day felt like an eternity, even though the other ones soon stopped making fun of Castiel. From then on, the week was actually really normal. Sometimes, Dean would send him messages, asking him how it was going and if he’d already made a decision. Castiel would smile whenever he got a message and write back that he was fine, but no, he hadn’t made a decision yet. Dean never told him to hurry up or something like this and Castiel was really glad about this, because then, he probably would’ve just said he didn’t want to meet Dean again and go to this club again, but he actually wasn’t so sure about this.  
Maybe if he would spend some time with Dean, he would get more confident about this too. Maybe it really wasn’t bad to live this way.  
But he wasn’t sure if he really wanted this. It still was a sin and even though it’d make his life a lot easier to stop fighting against it, it would also mean to disobey. And as if the struggle Castiel had with himself wasn’t enough, his father looked at him as if he just crawled out of hell all the time since their talk. Castiel feared that his father would find out and punish him, if he started living like that. Also there were his brothers who would be at least equally bad, if not worse. And his mom… well, she wouldn’t beat him up like the others would, but she’d be very disappointed though.

But although he had a whole lot of fears, when Dean asked him two weeks later, on Saturday afternoon, if he wanted to come with him this night, Castiel quickly typed ‘yes’ into his phone and sent the message, before he’d decide otherwise. He just _craved_ seeing Dean; he didn’t really know why, he just _needed_ to see him again.  
After he had sent the message, he stared down on his phone while he only started to slowly realize what he just had done.  
He jumped up and went downstairs, to ask his parents if he could ‘go out with friends’ again, desperately trying to keep his voice calm, so they wouldn’t notice anything. They asked him who’d go with him and so he just told them some names from people from his class. He knew his parents didn’t know them, so he wouldn’t have to worry about them finding out that way.  
Later this evening, he stood in front of his closet, staring at the clothes inside of it and desperately trying not to freak out.  
He had absolutely no idea what to wear.  
Last time, he had just picked out something; he hadn’t cared if it was appropriate or not, but this time, he cared.  
After twenty minutes of staring into his closet without knowing what to do, he found himself pulling his phone out and calling Dean.  
“I don’t know what to wear!” he blurted out the second Dean picked up.  
Dean laughed softly. “Just wear what you wore the last time. It looked good.”  
“You sure?”  
“Yes.” Dean laughed again. “You’re nervous, aren’t you?”  
“Uh, maybe,” Castiel mumbled and laughed embarrassed.  
“You don’t have to be,” Dean said securely. “So, now go and dress. I’ll pick you up at eight.”  
Before Castiel could answer to this, Dean ended the call. So he pulled out the dark jeans and the black shirt he had word the last time and put them on.  
He had twenty minutes left, so he turned on the radio and listened to some music, while he shove his wallet and his phone into his pockets and took a brief look at his hair.  
At seven fifty-five, he left the house and went to the place he and Dean would meet. Castiel didn’t want his parents to see Dean, because they would know that Dean wasn’t one of Castiel’s classmates. When Castiel arrived there, he saw Dean standing next to a black car, already waiting for him.  
“Hey,” Dean said and smiled at Castiel.  
“Hello.” Castiel smiled nervously and shove his hands in his pockets.  
“You ready?” Dean asked him.  
“More or less,” Castiel said and shrugged insecure.  
“You don’t have to be nervous. You’re gonna like it.”  
“Uh, yeah, possible,” Castiel mumbled quietly, but the moment he saw Dean smiling at him, he felt a lot securer; as if all his worries didn’t matter as long as Dean kept smiling at him like this.  
“Oh, and by the way,” Dean said when they sat into the car. “Benny will meet us there. I hope that’s okay for you.”  
“Uh, and Benny is…?”  
“My boyfriend.”  
“Oh.” That surprised Castiel. He hadn’t thought that Dean was in a relationship. “Yeah, that’s alright.”  
Dean nodded and for a while there was silence between them.  
“So, uh, how long are you and… Benny together?”  
“Not long. A few days.”  
Castiel could see the happiness in Dean’s eyes when he talked about Benny.  
“You like him,” Castiel said and looked over to Dean.  
“Yes,” Dean nodded and smiled gently. Castiel smiled too, even though he felt this small stinging feeling in his stomach and he wondered, if someone would ever smile like this at the thought of him.  
About twenty minutes later, they arrived at the club. Dean left the car and went straight to a guy, standing near the entrance. Castiel caught himself staring curiously at them while they kissed, even though he knew he shouldn’t.  
When Dean turned around to Castiel again, his lips were swollen and his pupils dilated. Benny reached his hand to Castiel. “I’m Benny,” he said with a southern drawl in his voice.  
Castiel took Benny’s hand and told him his name, too.  
“So, we’re going inside?” Dean asked. Castiel and Benny nodded and so they went to the entrance. This time, Castiel felt much more relaxed when he entered the club than the last time. Dean led them straight to the bar and ordered them some drinks. Castiel wasn’t old enough to drink, but no one seemed to care.  
A bit sceptical, Castiel looked at the glass in his hands. He had never drunken alcohol before, so he didn’t know if he liked it or not. – Also, he wasn’t allowed to.  
“C’mon, Castiel, just drink it,” Dean said. “It doesn’t taste that bad, believe me.”  
Castiel hesitated for a moment, but then did it like Dean and Benny and emptied the drink at once. He coughed when he felt how it burned in his throat. Dean laughed and patted his shoulder. “It gets better, believe me.”  
Dean ordered some more drinks for them and he was right. The second time it was better.  
When the song changed, Benny suddenly seemed to get very excited. He and Dean talked for a moment, but Castiel couldn’t understand it, because the music was so loud.  
“Castiel,” Dean said then to him. “Benny and I are gonna dance, you wanna join?”  
Castiel shook his head. “You two can go, I’d rather stay here.”  
“Alright.” Dean grinned and bent closer. “It’s easier to pick up someone if you’re alone anyway.”  
Castiel didn’t know what he should say to this, but this wasn’t necessary anyway, because Dean and Benny turned around and went to the dance floor. For a while, he watched them, their bodies moving together, hands roaming over the other one’s. And there it was again, this stinging feeling in Castiel’s stomach, which made him clench his hands to fists and grit his teeth. But Castiel got distracted when the barkeeper suddenly placed a drink in front of him.  
“It’s from him,” he said before Castiel could ask and pointed to a brunet guy.  
Castiel turned his head and when he looked at the guy, the brunet raised his glass and cheered silently to Castiel. Castiel blushed and lowered his gaze; he didn’t know how to react to this.  
“I hope you like it,” suddenly someone said behind him. Castiel winced and when he turned around, he saw the brunet guy standing there.  
“Uh, thank you,” Castiel mumbled embarrassedly.  
“Anytime,” he saw and smirked at Castiel before he sat down on the chair next to him. “I’m Gadreel,” he said then.  
“Castiel,” Castiel introduced himself. He raised the glass and tried a little bit from the drink. It tasted fruity and was much better than what he had drunken before.  
“You like it?” Gadreel asked him and leaned closer.  
“Yes,” Castiel said and took another sip. “Very.”  
“Good.” Gadreel smiled at him. “So, Castiel. I never saw you here before. Your first time here?”  
Castiel swallowed dryly and his hand involuntarily grasped the golden necklace. “Well, kind of.”  
Gadreel tilted his head and took the necklace out of Castiel’s hand. When he looked at the cross, his face changed.  
“You religious?” he asked Castiel.  
After a small moment of hesitation, Castiel nodded.  
“Oh, I understand how you feel,” he said then. “My parents were very religious people. Even though I never believed much in this stuff, I was kind of afraid when I realized that I’m gay. But now I can say, _if_ this whole stuff is really true, and I’ll go to hell for living like I do, then it’s definitely worth it.” He winked at Castiel and raised his glass, before he emptied it.  
“Really?” Castiel asked and then took a sip of his drink too, because Gadreel’s movement had remembered him that he still had it.  
“Believe me,” Gadreel said and smiled broadly. “It is.”  
Castiel laughed; he felt really comfortable around Gadreel. Especially because Gadreel understood the doubts he had.  
“You wanna dance?” Gadreel asked him.  
Castiel hesitated. “I… I can't dance.”  
“Awh, c’mon. It’s not that hard. I’ll show you how.”  
Castiel bit his lip hesitant, but eventually nodded. “Alright,” he said and emptied his drink before he followed Gadreel.  
Gadreel took Castiel’s hand and led him through the crown of moving bodies. When he found a place that seemed to be good for him, he turned towards Castiel and pulled him closer. Gadreel took Castiel’s hands and laid them around his neck. Then he laid his own hands on Castiel’s waist and pulled him even closer. Castiel usually didn’t listen to this kind of music, so he really didn’t know how to dance to this, but Gadreel didn’t seem to be bothered by it. Castiel just tried to copy Gadreel’s movements and with the brunet’s leading hands on his hips, it even worked out pretty good.  
Slowly, Castiel began to notice the effects of the alcohol. He felt slightly dizzy – but in a pleasant way. Also he felt much more relaxed. Gadreel seemed to notice this, because he grinned at Castiel and pulled him closer, hands wandering from Castiel’s waist to his ass.  
To his own surprise, Castiel didn’t feel bothered by it. But when Gadreel bent closer and tried to kiss him, he moved back.  
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “But I… I don’t know-” Castiel swallowed empty and laughed embarrassed when his voice broke. “I, uh, I never kissed someone and I-”  
“You never kissed someone?” Gadreel interrupted him and raised his eyebrows in disbelief. Castiel shook his head. Gadreel laid his hand on Castiel’s cheek and his thumb stroke over Castiel’s lower lip.  
“And you don’t want it to be me,” Gadreel simply said.  
“That’s not why I pulled back,” Castiel said. He had never understood why people made such a big deal about the first kiss. “I’m just… nervous.”  
“You don’t have to be.” Gadreel smiled at him and pulled Castiel closer again, so their bodies were pressed against each other’s. “It’s not difficult. You can't make anything wrong.”  
He bent down to Castiel again and this time, Castiel didn’t pull back, but bent his head towards Gadreel. The brunet pressed his lips softly on Castiel’s and Castiel gasped quietly and tied his arms firmer around Gadreel’s neck. Gadreel sucked and nibbled lightly on Castiel’s lower lip, one hand buried in Castiel’s dark hair, the other one on the back of his neck.  
When Gadreel pulled back, Castiel lowered his gaze insecure. Only now he noticed how he had dug his fingernails in Gadreel’s nape.  
“You see?” Gadreel smirked. “That was good, wasn’t it?”  
Castiel smiled and then nodded. Gadreel pulled Castiel away from the dance floor and before he could realize it, he found himself pressed against a wall with Gadreel’s lips on his.  
Castiel moaned surprised, but he didn’t protest. He really liked how this felt. When Gadreel pulled back, Castiel was breathless and felt somehow dizzy. Gadreel looked prompting at him and Castiel frowned.  
“What?”  
“Your phone is ringing.”  
Castiel’s frown deepened. How had Gadreel noticed this? But then he realized that Gadreel’s thigh was pressed against his and that his phone vibrated in his pocket. Castiel hastily pulled the phone out and looked at the display. It was Dean.  
“Give me a second,” Castiel said to Gadreel and then answered the phone. “Hey Dean,” he said into the phone and held his hand over his other ear, so he could hear what Dean was saying.  
“Castiel. Where are you?”  
It was much quieter on Dean’s side of the line. It sounded as if he had left the club.  
“Somewhere on the side. I don’t know. Like on the opposite side of the bar, I think.”  
“Can you… can you come outside? Please?” His voice sounded broken.  
“Of course,” Castiel said when he heard the pain in Dean’s voice. “Just give me a minute.”  
“Okay.” Dean ended the phone call and Castiel shove the phone back in his pocket.  
“I… uh, I need to go,” he said then to Gadreel.  
“Why?” Gadreel definitely sounded upset.  
“I’m sorry. My friend needs me.”  
Gadreel pouted, but then nodded. “Alright,” he sighed. “I’ll bring you outside.”  
“Okay.”  
Gadreel took Castiel’s hand again and they went outside. “Can I get your number?” Gadreel murmured against Castiel’s lips before he kissed him again.  
“Sure.” Castiel took Gadreel’s phone and typed his number into it.  
“Thank you,” Gadreel said and took the phone back. “I’ll text you, okay?”  
“Okay.”  
Gadreel kissed Castiel again, before he turned around and went back. For a moment, Castiel just stood there and stared after Gadreel, but then he remembered Dean and hastily turned around. Castiel didn’t know where Dean was, but he guessed that he was at his car. Turned out he was right; he found Dean sitting on the ground next to his car.  
“Dean?” Castiel asked carefully. “Are you alright?”  
Dean leaned back against the door and then Castiel saw that his shirt was ripped open, some buttons missing, and his chest was sweaty.  
“Dean!” he said shocked. “What happened?!”  
Dean was breathing heavily and shook his head, pointing to his throat.  
“You need something to drink?”  
Dean nodded and then pointed to the car. “Backseat,” he coughed. Castiel hastily opened the door and reached the bottle of water, he found on the backseat to Dean.  
Dean opened the bottle and drank hastily. He emptied the whole bottle before he tossed it away and began to shake and tremble.  
“Dean?” Castiel began to feel really scared. “What is happening?”  
With shaky fingers, Dean pulled something out of his pockets and threw it towards Castiel. It was a small transparent-brown box with some pills in it. Nowhere was written what kind of pills they were.  
“Did you take them? What are those?”  
Dean just shrugged and stared at the ground. Suddenly he stopped shaking and his body froze; he didn’t even blink.  
“Dean?” Castiel kneeled down next to him and laid his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Are you alright?”  
Dean nodded, still staring at the ground in front of him.  
“Where’s Benny?” Castiel asked when he remembered that Dean’s boyfriend had actually been with him.  
Dean shrugged and suddenly began to laugh. “Probably having sex,” he said when he was able to speak again, still laughing though.  
Castiel frowned. “What? I… I thought he was your boyfriend.”  
“Not that kind of sex. Not the one you have for fun.”  
Now Castiel understood even less. “What do you mean with this?”  
Dean shrugged and then looked at Castiel, his pupils dilated, swallowing almost all of the green. “We need money to pay our dealer.”  
“What?!” Castiel frowned and stepped back, equally insecure and shocked. “You mean he… he’s having sex for money? But that… that’s wrong.”  
Dean laughed. “You’re so cute and naïve, Cassie-boy,” he said and tilted his head, still chuckling. “How else should we get three-hundred bucks in two hours?”  
Castiel couldn’t understand Dean. What was he talking about? Benny was having sex for money? Because they owed three-hundred bucks to their dealer? And especially: “What dealer?”  
“Where do you think we got those?” Dean asked back and pointed to the pills.  
“I- I don’t know,” Castiel insecurely stepped back. He couldn’t really comprehend what was happening here. Why had Dean’s voice sounded so broken when he had called Castiel, but now he was laughing?  
Castiel sat hesitant down in front of Dean. “Why did you sound so sad when you called me?” he asked then softly.  
Dean sighed and looked down; and even though his eyes were still ripped wide open and staring motionless at the ground, he looked sad. “I don’t like it when he does this. I didn’t like it before we had a serious relationship and I especially don’t like it now. He’s my boyfriend. He shouldn’t be sleeping with other persons.”  
“Have you told him?” Castiel asked.  
Dean scoffed. “What would that change? One of us has to do it. We can't get enough money otherwise.”  
“Maybe you should just stop with the drugs,” Castiel suggested carefully.  
“Yeah, sure. That’s what I’m gonna do,” Dean said sarcastic and laughed dryly.  
“Fine.” Castiel stood up, now clearly pissed off. “If that’s what you want to continue destroying your life with drugs, then do it. But then stop whining about your boyfriend having sex with other people to earn money. It lays in your hand, Dean.” Castiel looked at his phone to check the time – he saw that he had already gotten a message from an unknown number, probably Gadreel, but he decided to read it later. It was half past twelve, so if he’d hurry, he’d get the last bus. “I’m gonna go home now,” he said to Dean. “I hope you enjoy your drugs as much as Benny enjoys sex with a complete stranger to afford them.”  
“Go fuck yourself,” Dean muttered and grasped the box with the pills.  
Stunned, Castiel saw him taking two more pills before the raven haired had definitely enough and turned around, hurrying to the bus station. He couldn’t understand Dean. Why did he take those drugs?! Especially if he couldn’t afford them, without his boyfriend having to prostitute himself?  
Castiel really couldn’t understand those two.  
He glanced at his phone one more time and then noticed that he was really late. He had walked slower than he’d thought. He ran to the bus station, but just as he came around the corner, he saw the bus setting off. He sighed and then slowed down his pace until he was only walking slowly to the bus stop and sat down on the bench there.  
Groaning, he buried his face in his hands. He would need at least an hour to walk home and he really wasn’t in the mood for it. For a moment, he thought about calling a taxi, but he didn’t have enough money for this. So he got up and began walking.  
Should this be a sign? Should this be a sign that those things he had done today were wrong?  
Castiel pressed his lips together and stared down to the ground. This evening had started out so nice and now this.  
He’d had so much fun with Gadreel and then he’d left him because of Dean. Because of Dean, this stupid drug-addict.  
When he thought about Gadreel, he remembered the message he’d gotten and pulled out his phone.

_Wish you wouldn’t have left that early.  
\- Gadreel_

Castiel smiled lightly.

_Yeah, wish that too. Definitely wasn’t worth it._

A few minutes later, he got a response from Gadreel.

_What happened? You alright? Call me when you can._

So Castiel called him. Gadreel picked up immediately, but before Castiel had the chance to say something, Gadreel said. “Give me a sec, hon. I’ll just go outside.” It got quieter on the other end of the line and eventually Gadreel said: “Alright. Tell me what happened.”  
Castiel hesitated. He didn’t know if he should tell Gadreel about this. “Well… my friend – the person with which I came here,” he corrected himself, “called me and asked me to come outside. But when I went there, he… he was high on some kind of drugs and he was acting really weird and he told me his boyfriend was having sex with someone, so they’d get money to pay their dealer and I… I don’t know.” Castiel stopped talking and took a shaky breath. “I went away. I actually wanted to catch the bus, but I missed it, so I’m walking home now.”  
For a while, Gadreel didn’t say anything. “Where are you?” he asked then softly.  
Castiel looked around and then read the street name he saw on a sign to Gadreel.  
“Stay where you are. I’ll pick you up in five.”  
Before Castiel could response, Gadreel ended the phone call. So Castiel leaned against the wall and waited. A couple of minutes later, he saw the lights of a car coming closer and then it stopped next to him and Gadreel came out of it and walked over to Castiel.  
“Hey,” he said and bent down to kiss him.  
“Hello,” Castiel mumbled,  
“How do you feel?”  
“I dunno. Disappointed, I guess. But I’m alright.”  
“You sure?”  
“Uh-huh.”  
Gadreel pulled Castiel in a brief hug. “You wanna do something?” Gadreel asked him. “Or should I bring you home?”  
“Depends. Doing what?”  
Gadreel shrugged. “I don’t know. We could go to my place if you want to.”  
Castiel stepped back insecure. “Gadreel… don’t get me wrong, but no. Not tonight. I don’t… I’m not ready for this yet.”  
Gadreel chuckled. “Not for this. If I wanted sex, I would’ve just said it. We won’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with, I promise. But if you don’t want to, that’s alright. Just tell me.”  
Castiel hesitated. “And you’re really okay with not… uh, having sex?” he asked and caught himself blushing.  
“Of course. I told you, I’d understand your doubts. Already forgot?”  
Castiel shook his head. “I didn’t forget. I just don’t want you to make any wrong hopes.”  
“It’s alright, Castiel. Don’t worry. So, you wanna come to my place?”  
Castiel nodded and Gadreel smiled at him and then held the door of the car open for him. Castiel sat down and Gadreel walked around the car and sat on the driver’s seat. He drove off and less than fifteen minutes later parked the car in front of an apartment complex.  
Castiel followed Gadreel to his apartment on the fifth floor and when they entered it, Castiel looked around curiously.  
“I, uh, didn’t expect a guest, so I didn’t clean up. Sorry.”  
Castiel frowned. “You don’t have to apologize. It’s not even messy.”  
The apartment wasn’t that big, but it looked nice and comfy. Gadreel pointed to the couch and Castiel sat down on it.  
“You want a drink?”  
“Uh, no, it’s alright, thank you.”  
“Okay.” Gadreel poured some whiskey in a glass for himself and then sat down next to Castiel. For a while they just sat next to each other in silence, but then Gadreel reached out and grabbed Castiel’s necklace. “How do you feel about all those things that happened tonight?” he asked and rubbed with his thumb over the golden cross.  
Castiel shrugged. “I dunno. Over most things I feel good. If you let away what happened with Dean, it was a really nice evening. But maybe it’ll change. Maybe I’ll regret it all tomorrow.”  
“I hope you won’t regret _everything_ ,” Gadreel smirked and then kissed Castiel softly. “Do you think you’ll get in trouble at home?”  
Castiel laughed dryly. “If my parents find out only the smallest part of what happened tonight, _trouble_ isn’t even close.”  
Gadreel raised an eyebrow. “And though, you’re still sitting here. Not _that_ afraid of them, huh?”  
“I _am_ afraid,” Castiel said and shrugged. “I’m just praying that they won’t find out.”  
Gadreel brushed his fingers through Castiel’s hair. “And? Am I worth the risk?”  
Castiel turned his head towards Gadreel. “So far… definitely.”  
“And you think this will change?” Gadreel asked, slowly leaning closer, placing his drink on the table.  
“I hope not,” was all Castiel could say before Gadreel pressed his lips on Castiel’s. A quiet moan escaped his lips when Gadreel grabbed his ass firmly and pulled him closer, grinding his hips against Castiel’s.  
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled and suddenly pulled back. “I know you want to take things slow.”  
“It’s alright,” Castiel said, craving to feel Gadreel’s lips on his again. “I- I mean what we did. It… it felt good.”  
Gadreel smiled lightly and brushed his thumb over Castiel’s lips and bit down on his own lower lip. “I know it felt good,” he mumbled and pecked Castiel’s lips briefly. “And that’s why we have to stop before I carry things too far.”  
Castiel pouted lightly, but then nodded. It was better they’d stop not, than doing anything Castiel would regret later.  
“You wanna sleep here tonight?” Gadreel asked him.  
“I’d love to, but actually I should go home soon. My parents won’t be happy with how long I’ve stayed away.”  
“Alright. Lemme drive you then,” Gadreel offered.  
Castiel frowned and looked down on Gadreel’s drink. “Are you sure you’re still able to drive?”  
Gadreel raised an eyebrow. “I drove you here. And I haven’t even had a whole drink since we’re here. But if you want, I’ll call a taxi.”  
“No.” Castiel shook his head. “I’d rather drive with you. – Well, if it doesn’t make too big circumstances.”  
“Of course not.” Gadreel winked. “Anything for you, hon.”  
Castiel noticed how he blushed and lowered his head embarrassed.  
Gadreel drove Castiel home and when he stopped the car a few blocks away from Castiel’s house – because Castiel didn’t want to risk his parents seeing the car – Castiel looked over to him and smiled fondly. “It was really nice tonight. Thank you.”  
“ _I_ have to thank _you_ ,” Gadreel said and kissed Castiel softly. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”  
Castiel nodded, tangling his fingers in Gadreel’s brown hair and kissing him passionate. “Good night,” he breathed.  
“Good night.”

When Castiel woke up the next morning, he felt a slight pulsating pain in his head. He hadn’t drunken that much, but apparently even that was too much. All the things that had happened last night, streamed through Castiel’s head again and suddenly his chest felt very tight. Only now, he was really aware of everything he’d done. He’d kissed Gadreel. He had practically _made out_ with _a guy_. Castiel rolled on his stomach and buried his face in the pillow, groaning. He had done so many bad things last night. His parents would kill him.

And he’d _so_ go to hell.

* * *

**__ **

Castiel had a few hard days, trying to decide between what he _wanted_ to do and what he thought was the right thing to do and at the same time having to keep it secret from everyone.  
Gadreel had texted him a few times – Dean too, but Castiel ignored him purposefully even though it was disturbingly difficult; he didn’t want to have anything to do with a junkie – and Castiel would actually really like to see him again, but he was so afraid of sinning and going to hell. Eventually, he had talked about this with Gadreel.  
“I can't decide this for you,” the brunet had said. “I can only say that _I_ think it is worth the risk. I mean, you can't be a hundred percent sure that you’ll go to hell for this, right? So what if not? What if you acted like you were someone else for your whole life, because of this and then there isn’t even something like hell? It’d be a waste, hon. But that’s only my opinion. _You_ have to decide for yourself. Let me know when you did.”  
After the phone call, a few more days had passed, until Castiel had eventually thought screw it – screw his parents, screw hell, screw everything – and called Gadreel again.  
“Hey Castiel,” Gadreel said when he picked up the phone.  
“Hello, Gadreel.”  
“What’s up?”  
“Uh, not much. I, uh, I just wanted to ask if we could, uh, y’know, see us again?”  
For a second, there was silence on the line. “So you decided,” Gadreel said then and it was clearly to hear how happy he was about this.  
“Yes. So…?”  
“Of course. I’d love to. Shall we meet us Friday night at the club again? We can still decide to go somewhere else then, if we want to.”  
“Sure. Sounds nice,” Castiel agreed.  
“Awesome. Looking forward to it.”  
“Me too,” Castiel said before they ended the phone call.

From this call on, the time until Friday couldn’t pass fast enough. Castiel might even be a little bit _too_ enthusiastic, because even his parents noticed. Besides that, he shouldn’t interpret too much in this whole thing with Gadreel. It wasn’t like they were a couple or something.  
But then eventually – _finally_ – Friday evening was there. Castiel got ready at like eight, took the bus at eight thirty-six and arrived there at eight fifty-four.  
He entered the meanwhile almost familiar club and his eyes scanned the people, searching for Gadreel. When he found him, Castiel smiled and walked up to him. But before he arrived there, he suddenly got pulled aside and found himself pressed against the wall.  
“What the…?!” Castiel asked confused – and a little bit angry when he realized that it was Dean, pinning him against the wall.  
“You didn’t answer my texts,” Dean growled. “But I need to talk to you. Just a minute.”  
Actually, Castiel wanted to say no, but then he made the mistake to look into Dean’s eyes. Now he couldn’t. He literally wasn’t able to. He felt the same pull he had felt the last time he had been talking with Dean and it was like it’d cause him physical pain if he’d say no.  
So he nodded.  
“Look, I’m sorry about what happened. I shouldn’t have taken these pills when I was out with you. And I shouldn’t have said that I said. Shouldn’t have acted like I did. I’m sorry.”  
“It’s, uh, it’s okay,” Castiel caught himself saying, even though he actually hadn’t want to forgive him.  
“Awesome.” Dean smiled at him and when Castiel saw this smile, he wasn’t able to regret forgiving Dean any longer. “So, what are you doing here? You have a date?”  
“Uhm, kind of, I think,” Castiel said insecure.  
Dean smirked. “Well, in that case, I’ll let you go now. Have fun.”  
“Thank you,” Castiel said, but Dean had already turned around and disappeared in the crowd.  
So Castiel went to Gadreel, who was still sitting at the bar, a happy smile widening his lips when he saw Castiel.  
“Hey.” Gadreel leaned closer and pressed a gentle kiss on Castiel’s lips, which took him by surprise, but after a second, Castiel relaxed and leaned in the kiss.  
“Nice to see you,” Gadreel smiled and ordered drinks for both of them. “So, how are you?”  
“I’m fine,” Castiel said and shook his head lightly when he caught himself looking for Dean in the crowd. “How about you?”  
“Me too,” Gadreel said and then looked at Castiel, raising an eyebrow. “Are you sure you’re alright, hon? You look kinda distracted.”  
“Yeah, no, I, uh, I’m alright,” Castiel said, little convincing. “It’s just… when I came here, uh, the guy I was here with at the day we first met, he, uhm, he came over and apologized. It kind of took me by surprise, I guess.”  
“Oh, okay. But that’s good,” Gadreel said then. “That he apologized, I mean.”  
“Yes.” Castiel nodded smiling and then took the glass, Gadreel reached him and drank from it.  
“So, how do you feel about your decision?” Gadreel asked him. “Are you still insecure, or completely comfortable with it?”  
Castiel shrugged awkwardly. “I don’t know. I mean, I am sure that, right here and now, this is what I want. I’m so sure about it and I feel so comfortable with you. But I also know that this can change in a matter of seconds. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have a mental breakdown and regret everything I’ve done.”  
“Did this happen to you the last time?” Gadreel asked carefully and laid his hand on Castiel’s shoulder.  
“Well, uh, kind of. I mean… it wasn’t really a breakdown, but I just regretted everything I’d done and I was so afraid of someone finding out and me getting punished for it. And I just… I don’t know. I was just really afraid of everything.”  
Gadreel nodded understandingly. “But… now you’re okay with it, right?”  
“Yes.” Castiel nodded and smiled and Gadreel.  
“Good. So… you wanna dance?”  
Castiel agreed and so they emptied their drinks and went to the dancefloor.  
They had a really great time together and so at like two a.m., Castiel agreed to go with Gadreel to his place for a while. They both were pretty drunk, because they had taken some shots with some of Gadreel’s friends which they had met, so they took a cab to Gadreel’s place.  
Castiel didn’t know why, but as soon as they entered the apartment, he felt the sudden urge to feel Gadreel, so he grabbed Gadreel’s neck and pulled him down to sloppily mesh their lips together. Gadreel moaned surprised, but returned the kiss just a second later, his hands roaming over Castiel’s body. “Castiel,” he gasped and then moaned when Castiel grinded his hips against Gadreel’s. “You need to… stop.”  
Unwillingly, Castiel pulled back. “Why?”  
Gadreel brushed his hand over Castiel’s forehead, wiping his hair away. “Otherwise I’ll go too far. And I don’t want to do anything you’ll regret later.”  
“I won’t.” Castiel pulled Gadreel closer and kissed him again. “I’m okay with this.”  
“You’re drunk,” Gadreel said firmly and refused to kiss Castiel back.  
“Ugh.” Castiel rolled his eyes, but then went over to the couch and sat down on it. “Then what do you wanna do instead?”  
“Tell me about you.” Gadreel’s lips brushed over Castiel’s earlobe when he leaned in. “I wanna know everything.”


	2. Gotta Know The Rules

_December 2001_

Christmas was close. Castiel and his family spent a lot of time with preparations, a lot of time in church. Meanwhile, it had gotten a habit, to go to _Purgatory_ every Friday and Saturday night, telling his parents he’d spend time with friends – he had lied about some Christians in his class which he’d see – and going to church Sunday morning, acting as if he still was the obedient son he had been a few months ago.  
Mostly, he’d go there with Gadreel; the two of them we’re kind of in a relationship now – even though at the moment, they were barely even kissing anymore, since Castiel had kinda freaked out again, because this whole thing had gone so fast in the beginning.   
Occasionally, he’d see Dean there too and every time it needed him so much will power to leave him again. Castiel didn’t know where his obsession with Dean came from; he barely knew this guy and most of the things he _did_ know about him, weren’t positive at all – plus he felt really bad about it, because of Gadreel. So Castiel tried to stay away from Dean and even though it was really hard, he managed to do it.   
Until that one fatal night; the night that’d change everything.

It was Friday night; he and Gadreel had went to _Purgatory_ , together with a few other friends they had there. They had spent a nice evening with dancing, a few drinks and they’d had a lot of fun together. It was barely past midnight, when he and Gadreel decided to leave, because Gadreel would have to work tomorrow.   
“You wanna sleep at my place again?” Gadreel offered. Over the time, Castiel had started to often spend the night at Gadreel’s.   
“Sure.”  
Gadreel laid his arm around Castiel’s waist and pulled him closer. They had taken a bus to come here and now decided to walk home, since it was a really nice night.   
“It was nice tonight,” Gadreel said, his fingers stroking over Castiel’s hipbone. Castiel pressed his lips together and just nodded. He didn’t know why it felt so wrong when Gadreel touched him like this. Castiel liked Gadreel. And he had enjoyed kissing him, and sometimes he had even wanted more, but lately… it just felt wrong and he didn’t know why.   
Gadreel had always been patient with him, but in the last few days, Castiel had gotten the feeling, that Gadreel was more annoyed, than anything else, whenever Castiel backed out of any sorts of overtures from Gadreel.  
“Castiel,” he suddenly heard someone saying behind him. Even though the voice sounded broken and ragged, Castiel would know it anytime. The recognition raced through him like a bolt of lightning and his heart sped up in pace.   
“Dean.” He didn’t know why his body always reacted like this whenever Dean was near. It was completely illogical and unjustifiable, but every time he saw Dean, he felt this strong pull towards him. His body ached, he just wanted to be near Dean.  
It didn’t make any sense at all, they barely knew each other, and the things Castiel _did_ know about Dean, were anything else than good.   
Dean stepped closer to him and now Castiel could see tears streaming down over his face. Shocked, he freed himself from Gadreel’s arm and walked over to Dean.   
“What happened?” he asked. It felt so _wrong_ seeing Dean sad and broken like this. Once again there was this feeling in his chest, the overwhelming desire to be with Dean and _make him happy_.   
“Can we please talk?” Dean whispered broken. “Alone?”  
Castiel looked over to Gadreel, who looked rather annoyed, his lips pressed to a small line and his eyebrows furrowed. “You’re not really going with this psychopath?!”  
“He isn’t a psychopath,” Castiel defended Dean automatically.   
“He’s a freaking drug addict,” Gadreel spew out. “You told me about him. The first night we met. And I’ve heard much about him from other people too. He’s irresponsible. And he’s an asshole.”  
Castiel hesitated for a moment. Gadreel was right. He had heard many negative things about Dean too. But… when he only thought about just leaving here like this, his whole body ached and something that felt like this… couldn’t be the right decision, could it?  
So he looked apologizing at Gadreel. “I’m sorry,” he whispered with a gesture to show that he couldn’t do anything about it.  
Gadreel scoffed and shook his head in disbelief, rolling his eyes. “You know what? Do it. Go with him, let him destroy you like he destroys everyone and everything else around him. But don’t come back to me afterwards. If you go with him now, it’s over. I actually wanted to give you a chance again, even though you’ve been acting really weird lately, but if you go with him now, that’s it. I don’t ever want to talk to you again.”  
Castiel stared at Gadreel for a long moment, before he looked over to Dean again. He stood just there, shoulders sagged down, eyes directed to the ground, not even trying to defend himself. The urge to be with Dean was stronger than any rational thought in his mind, so he couldn’t do anything else, than say goodbye to Gadreel one last time, before turning his back on him.

Castiel should probably feel sad, or guilty, or like a bad person. But the second he stood next to Dean, and Dean tied his arms around Castiel, he wasn’t able to feel any of those things. There was just one thing that counted: he needed Dean to stop being sad.   
“What happened?” he asked Dean, stroking over his back. But Dean just shook his head, burying his face in the crook of Castiel’s neck and so they just stood there for a while, Dean quietly crying and Castiel trying to soothe him.  
“Is it okay if we go to my car?” Dean asked hoarsely after a while. “We can talk there.”  
“Of course.” Castiel nodded and so they walked back towards _Purgatory_ , but Dean went left a few blocks before the club and led Castiel to a shabby looking apartment complex, in front of which his Impala stood. Dean opened the door on the driver’s side and sat down, while Cas did the same on the passenger’s side.   
“Will you tell me what happened now?” he asked gently, taking Dean’s hand when Dean reached out for him.   
“It’s about Benny,” Dean whispered broken. “He’s… he’s dead.”  
Castiel’s eyes widened shocked. He hadn’t really known Benny, but the news were still shocking. “Wh-what… what happened?”  
“He got shot.” Dean lowered his head, some strands of his shaggy hair falling over his forehead.   
“What?! Have you been at the police? Did he… did the person who shot him get arrested?”  
Dean laughed, but it was a sad sound. “He was a drug dealer, Castiel. There is no justice for people like us. He didn’t get the money he should’ve gotten so he got shot. Simple as that.” Dean wrapped his arms around himself and rocked his body lightly back and forth. “Do you know what my last words to him were?” He pressed his palms against his eyes. “I broke up with him.” His voice broke and he whimpered quietly, burying his fingernails in the skin of his forehead.   
“Stop doing this Dean,” Castiel said softly and pulled Dean’s hands away. “Don’t make yourself feel bad about it. You couldn’t know that he would die and it was your good right to break up with him if you weren’t happy in the relationship.”  
Dean shook his head and freed his hands from Castiel’s grip, opening he glove department and taking something out of it instead. For a while he sat there, placing his feet on the seat, pulling his knees against his body, hiding the item in his hands. “I shouldn’t have broken up with him.”   
“Tell me how I can help you feel better,” Castiel begged Dean. It tore him apart seeing Dean so sad. His eyes were red and swollen and they looked empty. His whole body was shaking and he bit on his lip so hard it started bleeding.   
“I don’t know. I just wanted to see you. You’re always so… rational. And you’re gullible and naïve and kind of weird and… I don’t know, I felt like I could kind of need this.”  
Castiel frowned; Dean’s answer had kind of an insulting touch, but then he decided to ignore it and not get all touchy now. “Uh, okay,” he just said.   
Dean opened his hand and then Castiel saw that he held one of those small re-sealable plastic bags in his hand – the type some people used for their meds. And in it, there were a few small pink-ish pills. When Castiel realized what they were, his eyes widened. “Dean, you can’t be serious about this.”  
Dean just looked over at him, dead in the eyes. “It’ll help me forget for a few hours. It’s nothing bad.”  
Castiel frowned worried. “Dean I really think you shouldn’t do this… it’s not healthy.”  
“I don’t give a fuck about my health,” Dean scoffed and took two of the pills out of the bag.   
“Benny just died because of drugs. Don’t you think this is a sign that you should stop with them?” Castiel blurted out. It was the only argument he could imagine that would change something.  
But Dean only scoffed again. “So what? Me not taking them and getting eaten up alive by the pain in my chest will bring him back? I wish the world worked like that, Cassie, but it doesn’t.”  
“My name’s Castiel,” he said between gritted teeth. “Not Cassie.”  
“Awh, c’mon, get the stick out of your ass.” Dean looked at him. “I’m just teasing you.” Then he took one of the pills in his right hand and offered it to Castiel. “You want one too? They’re harmless, I promise. You’ll feel good.”  
Castiel knew he should shake his head and leave the car immediately, go as far away from Dean as he could. But instead he caught himself asking: “What’s the effect it I take it?”  
A light smile appeared on Dean’s lips when he noticed that Castiel wasn’t completely against taking it anymore. “You’ll get zonked for a few hours. It feels great, believe me. It’s practically indescribable. But you’ll feel relaxed and everything feels great and soft and the whole world’s better.”  
“Do I get… hallucinations from them?” Castiel had heard from people taking some drugs and then getting hallucinations which literally scared them to death.   
“No.” Dean shook his head. “Nothing bad is gonna happen to you. I promise.” He held the pill between thumb and pointer finger and held it closer to Castiel. Hesitating, Castiel took it in his hand and looked at it for a moment.   
“So you in?” Dean asked and raised his eyebrows.   
Castiel hesitated a moment, but when he looked in Dean’s eyes, he couldn’t any different than nod. Dean grinned and then swallowed the pill. Castiel just looked at Dean for a second, but eventually he took the pill in his mouth and swallowed it.

* * *

**__ **

When Castiel woke up the next morning, he laid on a shaggy couch, one leg sprawled over the backrest, his arm tangled uncomfortably behind his neck. When he sat up and looked around, he felt dizzy and slightly sick. Flashbacks from last night floated through his brain, only fragments of memories. The first few minutes after it had kicked in and Castiel had just sat there in the car, completely calm. Nothing had bothered him anymore, everything had been fine and alright, just like it was. Or when they had been somewhere in a park (Castiel had absolutely no idea how they had gotten there) and they had just spent an eternity, lying in the grass and staring up to the sky, talking about whatever just came to their minds. Somehow they had eventually ended up in Dean’s apartment – at least that’s what Castiel assumed they were now – and after they had drunken like everything drinkable Dean owned, they had sat on the floor and continued talking, but now staring with widened eyes into the other one’s fascinated by the dilated pupils – or at least that was how it had been for Castiel.   
When everything stopped turning, he saw Dean laying on a plain double mattress on the floor, body sprawled out over the whole thing, his cheek squished on his arm and quietly snoring. Castiel got up from the couch, stretching his aching muscles and walked out of the bedroom, searching the toilet. The apartment was tiny, so he found it fast; it was just the door next to the bathroom.   
When he was washing his hands after peeing, he took a look in the mirror and immediately sighed deep. He looked horrible. His eyes were red and widened, his hair was a complete mess and he just looked totally wrecked in general. He washed his face with cold water and tried to straighten his hair a bit, but it didn’t really make a difference.   
“If you want, you can take a shower,” Dean suddenly said right next to him with a cracked voice. “No guarantee on hot water though.”  
Castiel startled and turned around, looking at Dean. He noticed immediately that something was off – besides Dean looking at least equally wrecked as him – but he needed a second until he knew what it was that had confused him.   
Dean had a more than obvious hard-on. Castiel’s eyes widened and he caught himself embarrassingly fixated on it, unable to look away.   
“You wanna take a picture?” Dean asked mockingly. “Lasts longer.”  
“I-I’m sorry,” Castiel stuttered and hastily turned his full body away from Dean, feeling a blush spreading over his whole face. “I didn’t mean to stare.”  
“It’s fine, don’t worry Cassie.”  
Castiel rolled his eyes lightly when Dean called him Cassie again. It didn’t necessarily bother him, but in his opinion, it sounded more like a girl’s name.   
“Yeah, anyway. Like I said, if you want to, you can take a shower. Towels are in the drawer under the lavabo.”  
Castiel nodded thankfully and then closed the bathroom door and stripped out of his clothes. Dean had been right; there was no hot water. But anyway, a cold shower was better than none at all. When the water streamed down over his body, Castiel slowly began to realize what he had done last night.  
He had left Gadreel. He had heard that Benny had died. He had taken drugs.  
Understandably, it was mainly the last point that scared him. Why had he done this? Less than four months ago, he had been the good and obedient son he was supposed to be. But now? He went regularly to gay bars, he had _kissed_ and _made out_ with another man. He had drunken alcohol and now he had even taken drugs.  
Castiel sank down on the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees and burying his face between them. What was it that Dean did to him? Why could Dean make Castiel do things like this?  
Castiel didn’t mean to say it was Dean’s fault, because it wasn’t. Dean hadn’t forced him to take this pill, Castiel had _wanted_ it. But he honestly couldn’t imagine anyone else making him want to take drugs.   
What should he do if his parents found out? They would kill him, if not worse.   
“Castiel?” Dean knocked at the door. “Uh, look, I’d be really glad if you wouldn’t use my whole water, okay? I mean I don’t know about you, but _I_ ’d say fifteen minutes is enough for a shower.”  
Castiel winced startled, but then hastily got up and turned off the water. “Uh, sure. Sorry.”  
He stepped out of the shower and took one of the towels to dry himself off before he put on his clothes again. They were smelly, but he couldn’t do anything about it at the moment. He would just change them at home as fast as possible and wash them right away so his parents wouldn’t notice. When he left the bathroom, Dean was in his room again, laying on the mattress, smoking a cigarette.   
“You alright?” he asked when he saw Castiel standing in the doorframe. “You sounded as if you were about to cry.”  
“N-No,” Castiel lied weakly, “I’m fine.”  
Dean sat up and patted on the place next to him, so Castiel walked over to the mattress and sat down next to Dean. “Do you regret that you took the pill last night?”  
Castiel shrugged. “Kind of. I mean… taking drugs… it- it isn’t right. I shouldn’t have done that. I’ve done so many bad things in the past few months and now this on top of it all…” Castiel lowered his head.   
“You’re still not over the whole gay-thing, huh?” Dean asked and nudged Castiel’s shoulder lightly with his own.   
“Not really.”  
“But what was with you and that other guy? Gabriel or something.”  
For a moment Castiel just looked confused at Dean, thinking that he was talking about his brother. But then it clicked. “Gadreel,” he corrected him them. “Well, we were kind of together, but… I don’t know, I just didn’t feel comfortable with it, I mean I’m still insecure about those things and I just… I couldn’t even kiss him anymore.”  
“And you are sure that’s because of the fact that you’re not comfortable with _this_ and not that you weren’t comfortable with _him_?” Dean asked and raised an eyebrow.  
Castiel frowned. “I like Gadreel.”  
“I didn’t say you don’t. But do you _like_ him, or do you want to have a relationship with him? Those are different things. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.”  
Castiel’s frown deepened and he thought about it for a moment. Maybe Dean was right. Sure, Castiel had liked Gadreel, but there hadn’t even been a crush or something, let alone love. Maybe it was better they had split up. Better for both of them.   
“I think you are right,” Castiel said then and looked over to Dean. “But how do _you_ feel? Y’know… because of Benny.”  
Dean swallowed empty and turned his face away from Castiel. “I’m fine. It just kind of hit me yesterday and I didn’t want to be alone.”  
“Okay.” Castiel chew insecurely on his lower lip. “Are you gonna be alright if I leave?”  
“Of course.” Dean scoffed. “I don’t need a babysitter. Got still some of those pretty little things.” He pulled the plastic bag with the pills out from under the mattress and grinned, but Castiel could see in Dean’s eyes that it wasn’t a real smile.   
“Dean…” he said worried. “Please be careful, alright? I don’t want anything to happen to you.”  
Dean scoffed and then stood up. “As if you gave a fuck.” He rolled his eyes and turned away from Castiel, lightning another cigarette. “Just leave and stop pretending.”  
“I’m not pretending.” Castiel also stood up. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself – or worse – with those. I’m worried about you.”  
Dean turned around, tears burning in his eyes. “Shut up!” he growled. “Just shut up and stop acting like this! You don’t care! The only one who ever gave a fuck about me was Benny and now he’s gone! I broke up with him and then he died! _I_ should’ve died instead of him. Do you wanna know why I broke up with him?!” Dean’s voice got louder with every word. “I didn’t fucking deserve him! He was such a wonderful person and he wanted to be together with someone like _me_. And I couldn’t love him back. I _didn’t love him_.” Dean sounded as if he would despise himself for this fact – which he probably really did. “I know what a bad person I am and I don’t wanna hear shit about you giving a fuck about me because it’s not true. _No one_ gives a fuck about me and that’s good that way. And now shut up and leave my apartment before I beat the shit out of you!”  
Castiel’s jaw clenched when Dean shouted at him and he pressed his lips together and lowered his gaze. “I’m sorry you see yourself like this,” he said quietly and walked over to the door. “Because I don’t. And I know you didn’t mean what you just said, so if you ever need someone, then don’t hesitate to call me.”  
Before Dean could respond, Castiel slipped out through the door and left the apartment. He could hear Dean screaming frustrated and something shattering and almost turned around and went back, but he didn’t. Dean had made it more than clear that he wanted to be alone. Besides that, Castiel was craving something to eat and a toothbrush, to get this disgusting taste out of his mouth.   
When he left the building, he had to search for orientation for a moment, but then he saw a bus stop right on the other side of the street. He used the last bit of his phone battery to take a look on the clock, before it died. The next bus would come in five minutes, so Castiel sat down on the bench to wait.

When he finally arrived at home, he just said a quick hello to his mother, before he went upstairs to brush his teeth, change his clothes and charge his phone.  
He came downstairs and saw his mother in the living room, folding clothes. Castiel went to her and kissed her on the cheek, sitting down next to her.   
“How was your night, sweetie?” she asked him. Castiel attempted to help her, but she took the shirt out of his hands again and shook her head.   
“It was fine,” Castiel said. “I slept at a friend’s again.”  
“Did you have fun?”  
“Yeah.” Castiel pressed his lips together. Even if so far, he hadn’t directly life to his mother, he didn’t like conversations about his weekend, because he left her under false assumptions. “Where are dad, Gabriel and Raphael?” he asked instead.   
“They went out to buy some Christmas presents.”  
Castiel’s eyes widened. He had completely forgotten how close Christmas already was. His mother noticed his reaction.   
“Don’t pressure yourself, sweetie,” she said and laid her hand on Castiel’s. “You’re very busy with school. I’m sure everyone will understand.”  
Castiel frowned and lowered his head. There it was again. Of course he was busy with school, but it wasn’t this, that let him forget the time. It was much more that the turn his life had taken still completely stunned and fascinated Castiel so much, that he completely forgot everything else that happened around him.   
“No, I think I’m just gonna buy them next weekend,” he said then and smiled at his mother.   
“Alright. – Are you hungry, by the way? Should I make you something to eat?”  
“It’s alright, mom. I’ll just make myself something small. I need to study for history anyway.” Castiel went to the kitchen and grabbed a yoghurt before he went upstairs to his room. He turned on the radio and checked his phone, but there were no new messages. For a second he played with the thought of calling Dean, but Dean was probably high anyway and Castiel really needed to _stop being so obsessed with this guy_. He sighed deeply and shook his head lightly. It was just so weird. He clearly knew that Dean wasn’t good for him, but Castiel couldn’t get away from Dean, no matter what he did. If any other person would shout at Castiel like Dean had done this morning, Castiel would probably be deadly afraid from said person from the rest of his life and never talk to them again, but with Dean it was different. Castiel still hoped for Dean to call him; for Dean to let him help.   
Castiel laid his phone away, forcing himself to stop thinking about Dean and take out his history book and start to study. After some difficulties, he really managed to get into it and forget about his chaotic life for a while.  
When he had studied for a little more than two hours, he decided that it was enough for now and that he’d make a break. Right when he left his room to go downstairs and get something to drink, his father and his brothers came back. All three of them looked little enthusiastic when they saw Castiel. Internally rolling his eyes Castiel smiled as convincing as he could, but then went without a word past them to the kitchen to get something to drink.  
From then on, Castiel’s mood was a lot worse. He always felt so judged around his father and his brothers, as if they would immediately hate him if he only made a wrong movement – which they probably really did.  
However, somehow Castiel survived the day, like he always did.   
In the evening, he was thinking about going to _Purgatory_ , just to get away from home for a while, but he didn’t know if he should. With whom should he even go there? Gadreel didn’t talk to him anymore and Dean probably didn’t want him around either. He could call someone of the others, but they were probably more on Gadreel’s side than on his.  
So Castiel would have to stay at home tonight, because going to _Purgatory_ alone, wasn’t an option for him.  
He told his parents that he’d go to bed early tonight and went to his room at eight, spending some time with reading. At like half past twelve, just when Castiel wanted to lay the book aside and go to sleep, his phone rang. When he looked at the display, he saw that it was Dean calling. With an equal mix of confusion and excitement, he picked up.   
“Hey Dean.”  
“Castiel?”   
“Uh… yeah?”  
“You wanna come to _Purgatory_?” Dean slurred.   
“What?! I can't come there now.”  
“C’mon, Cassie. It’s fun here.”  
Castiel had to hole the phone away from his ear, because it was really loud on Dean’s side and so Dean was nearly shouting. “Yeah, I know. But I can't. I told my parents I’d stay here tonight.”  
“Then tell them you changed your mind.”  
“I can’t,” Castiel sighed. “They’re asleep. And even if they weren’t, they’d never let me go out past midnight.”  
“You could just sneak out,” Dean suggested. “Please. I want to see you.”  
Castiel pressed his lips together. This wasn’t fair. When Dean talked like this, Castiel wanted nothing more than to do whatever Dean wanted, but he couldn’t. His parents would kill him. “I can’t,” Castiel repeated.   
“Please.”  
Castiel groaned and rubbed with his hand over his face. “Fine,” he gave in. “I’ll come.  – But Dean? One hour. Not one and a half, not two, _one hour_.”  
“Great.” Dean really sounded happy about this. “I’ll get you a drink.”  
Before Castiel could say anything more, Dean ended the phone call. Letting out a shaky breath, Castiel got up and put on some decent clothes. He had never sneaked out, but he knew it was possible, because back then, when he and Gabriel had shared the room, he had seen his brother doing this a lot.   
So he grabbed his wallet, his phone and his keys and then climbed out through the window, down on the roof of the garage and from there to ground. For a moment he considered walking there, but he would need way too long for this, so instead he got the spare keys from their hiding place and took his father’s car. The second he was off the driveway and on the street, he started laughing out loud. Actually it wasn’t funny at all, it was much more completely absurd. It was unbelievable that he did all those things, knowing his parents would kill him if they ever found out, only for a guy he barely knew and had absolutely no reason to be so obsessed with.   
When Castiel arrived there, he parked the car and then went over to the entrance. He saw Dean sitting at the bar, some other people sitting next to him and talking with him. Castiel hesitated insecurely. But then he reminded himself, that Dean had told him he wanted to see him and so Castiel went over to the bar. When Dean saw him, he smiled widely.   
“Cassie!” he said and grabbed Castiel’s arm and pulled him closer, not caring that some other people had to move aside. Even in this one word, Castiel could hear that Dean was totally drunk – or high, who knew?  
“My name still isn’t Cassie,” he just said and took the drink Dean offered him.   
“Fine. Cas – is Cas better? Imma call you Cas.” Before Castiel had the chance to even react, Dean grabbed the shoulder of one of the guys he had been talking to before. “That’s Ash. Ash, that’s Cas. I told you about him.”  
“Oh, so you’re the church boy,” Ash grinned.   
“Uhh… I guess.”  
For a while Castiel just watched Dean and Ash talking and not even a minute later, he was completely sure that alcohol wasn’t the only influence Dean was under. His eyes were widened and all his movements were fluttery and nervous. He was totally hyper.   
“Gotta go now,” Ash said to Cas when he and Dean finished talking. “Guess I’ll see you then.”  
“Alright, uh, bye.”  
Ash patted Dean’s shoulder and then turned around and left the club. Castiel walked around Dean and then sat down on the now free chair. Dean looked over to him and was quiet for exactly two seconds before he started talking again.   
“I’m sorry about what I said this morning, by the way. I shouldn’t have said this, it was mean, and I’m glad you’re not angry.”  
He was talking so fast, it seemed like a miracle to Castiel that he got all the words out properly. Dean continued talking, but Castiel only understood half of it, because the music was too loud and Dean talked too fast. However, Dean didn’t really seem to care; he just talked and talked and talked, his fingers tapping a nervous beat on the counter.   
Castiel noticed that Dean’s eyes widened even more while the time passed and he started sweating. “Dean, are you alright?” he asked worried.   
“I’m fine,” Dean said, and it seemed as if he really thought he was. “I haven’t felt this good since I found out that Benny died.”  
“I think you should get some fresh air. And cool down a little,” he added when he noticed that Dean’s skin felt almost feverish. “And probably get hydrated. – With something non-alcoholic.” He took the drink out of Dean’s hand and placed it on the counter.   
“What, so you’re an expert now? You know what to do when someone’s zonked?” Dean scoffed and took his drink again, taking a big sip.   
“I didn’t say this. I just… you’re sweating and your skin is hot, so I thought it would be good for you to get some fresh air and cool down and get something to drink.” Castiel pressed his lips together and uncomfortably clenched his fingers around his glass.   
“I didn’t call you to be my babysitter,” Dean said then and emptied his glass.   
“Sorry,” Castiel lowered his gaze. “I… I didn’t mean to act like a babysitter. I just… I’m worried about you.”  
Dean rolled his eyes. “Not this again. I’m fine, Castiel.” He was quiet for a moment. “So. You want to dance?”  
“Uhm… okay.”  
Dean smirked and then grabbed Castiel’s hand and pulled him to the dance floor. Castiel still wasn’t a really good dancer, but Dean didn’t seem to be bothered even though he was amazing. The way his body moved, was incredibly hot and Castiel caught himself more than once forgetting to move his own body and just staring at Dean’s instead. He was so distracted by this, that he didn’t realized they were slowly moving towards the exit, until Dean suddenly stopped dancing and pulled Castiel outside, where he pressed him against the wall.   
“Oh what are you doing to me Castiel,” Dean gasped quietly and Castiel could feel Dean’s nose stroking across his jaw, when Dean lowered his head. “You’re driving me completely crazy.” Dean’s hot breath stroke over Castiel’s ear and he shuddered; his body getting floated with desire. When Dean raised his head again and looked at Castiel, his breath hitched in his throat and he swallowed empty.   
“I want to kiss you Castiel,” Dean murmured. “I want to kiss you so badly.”  
“Yes.” Castiel barely got the word out and couldn’t help his voice sounding like a whimper. Dean lowered his head and softly, his lips met Castiel’s. A moan escaped Dean’s lips and his hands tightened on Castiel’s waist and he pressed their bodies together. Kissing Dean was so wonderful. After all those times Castiel had fought against the urge to be close to Dean, it was so relieving to finally give in. With the feeling of Dean’s lips on his, all his worries disappeared. He didn’t care about his parents anymore, didn’t care about anyone’s opinion to him being this way. Everything that counted was to never let this feeling go.   
He barely noticed his hands clenching in Dean’s hair and greedily pulling him closer. Dean’s tongue pushed past his lips and Castiel could taste the drink Dean had had before, but there was also something else, something that was purely and exclusively _Dean_.   
“ _Fuck Cas_ ,” Dean growled and only then Castiel noticed that he was grinding his pelvis against Dean’s thigh and that he was _getting an erection_. He moved back startled, even though he didn’t have any real possibilities to get away, since the wall was right behind him and he already was nearly pressed against it.   
“I-I’m sorry,” he stuttered nervously. “I…”   
But Dean shushed him with a soft kiss. “It’s fine. Don’t worry.”   
But Castiel shook his head. “No. It’s… it’s inappropriate. I’m really sorry, Dean… I…” He lowered his head and turned his face away from him, ashamed.   
“Seriously, Cas, it’s alright.” Dean’s voice sounded surprisingly soft, considering that he was still high on this stuff. “Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.” His lips searched for Castiel's again and he kissed him softly.   
“Okay,” Castiel whispered quietly. It was still embarrassing for him, but he’d rather just act as if it was fine and stop talking about it, than continue discussing it.   
Dean opened his mouth to say something, but right in this moment, someone called his name and Dean turned around. The person walked up to him and before Dean or Castiel could react, he stood right in front of Dean and hit him straight in the face.   
Castiel screamed shocked and Dean stumbled a few steps before he found his balance again and hit the guy back.   
“You fucking asshole!” the guy shouted at Dean. “Benny’s not even been dead for a week and you’re already shoving your tongue down someone else’s throat?! You fucking slut.” He kicked Dean in his stomach and with a choked groan Dean sagged down on his knees, wrapping his arms around his stomach and lowering his head. “You never deserved him, you worthless piece of shit.”  
“It was only your fault that Benny started selling drugs in the first place!” Dean screamed, raising his head and looking with hate filled eyes at the guy, tears streaming down over his face. “It’s your fault that he’s dead!”  
Taking a wide swing, the guy hit Dean hard in his face with the back of his hand. “They should’ve killed you instead,” he muttered and spit down on Dean before he shot Castiel a sharp glance and walked away.   
Castiel’s body was frozen; he wasn’t able to move, but just stood there and stared at the whole scenario with widened eyes. When the guy walked away, Dean just stayed where he was, lying on the ground, his face buried in his arms and sobbing loudly.   
“Dean!” Castiel could finally free himself from his numbness and he hastily went up to Dean, falling down on his knees next to him. “Don’t listen to him, Dean. It’s not true what he said. Please, Dean. Don’t listen.”  
Dean propped himself up on his arms and managed to sit up, still crying, but then he bent over and threw up on the ground right next to him. It didn’t seem to stop, he was just retching and puking for what seemed like an eternity, not stopping to cry for even a second. Castiel got really worried, but he didn’t know what to do, so he just kneeled insecurely next to Dean and patted his back.   
When it was finally over; when Dean’s stomach was completely empty, Dean just sat there for a while, still bent over, spit dripping from his mouth to the ground, his whole body shaking violently. Castiel gently rubbed Dean’s back, waiting for him to calm down, but this didn’t happen. Instead it seemed to get even worse. After a few minutes of silence, Dean suddenly started hyperventilating and he retched again, but this time no more vomit came out, because his stomach was empty by now.   
“Dean, how can I help you?” Castiel asked desperately. “Please tell me what I can do.”  
Dean’s body went limp and Castiel hastily grabbed his shoulders to prevent him from falling face-forward in his own puke. Dean leaned his head against Castiel’s shoulder, his whole body weak and powerless, as if he hadn’t enough strength left to even lift a finger.  
“What can I do, Dean?” Castiel repeated, his voice sounding squeaky from fear.   
“Call Ash,” Dean managed to say weakly, his voice sounding hoarsely.   
“Where’s your phone?”  
“Jacket.” Dean’s voice gave up in the middle of the word, but Castiel knew what he had wanted to say. He shove his hands in the pocket of Dean’s jacket and searched for his phone until he eventually found it and pulled it out. He flipped it open and scrolled through Dean’s contacts until he found Ash. Since his name started with an A, he was one of the top ones and Castiel found him fast. When Ash picked up, Castiel hastily told him everything that had happened and where they were and also told him to hurry up.   
The ten minutes Ash needed to get there, felt like an eternity. Dean didn’t react to his words, he refused to talk or give any sign to show Castiel that he heard him and his body was still shaking violently.   
When Ash finally arrived, he roughly shoved his hands in Dean’s armpits and yanked him up on his feet. Castiel was a little bit shocked about the rough treatment, but he didn’t say anything because Dean obviously trusted Ash and so Castiel decided to trust _Dean_ and hoped that Ash knew what the right thing to do was.   
“Did he take anything while he was with you?” Ash asked Castiel.   
“No. He… uh, he was already… uh, high when I came here.”  
Ash nodded and grunted something illiterate and then held Dean upright with one arm – even though this seemed to need a lot of strength – and slapped him lightly in the face with the other one. “Listen to me, Dean, you gotta stand alone or I’ll let you fall down. You know I will.” He waited a few second before he let go of Dean’s arm and Dean immediately sagged down on the ground. Ash sighed deeply and yanked him upright again. “I know you can do it, Dean. And now don’t act.” He let go of Dean’s arms again and Dean clumsily stumbled for a moment before he eventually found his balance and stood still.   
“You see? No problem. And now you tell me everything you took tonight.”  
Dean murmured some words, Castiel didn’t understand and Ash nodded.   
“How many?”   
“Three.” Dean rubbed with his sleeve over his mouth and as if the movement had reminded Ash, he gave Dean a bottle of water, which he pulled out of a pocket of his jacket. Dean thankfully took it and drank nearly the whole bottle at once.   
“Did you get them from C?” Ash asked Dean.  
Dean nodded, his head still lowered, as if he didn’t have strength to hold it up straight.   
“Well, at least we know it was good stuff then.” Ash sighed and patted Dean’s shoulder. “I’m gonna bring you home. Alright, bud?”  
Dean nodded weakly and then looked over to Cas, his eyes filled with pain. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and reached with his hand out to stroke once over Castiel’s cheek.   
“It’s fine,” Castiel said and touched Dean’s fingers briefly before they disappeared from his face. “Call me, okay?”  
Dean nodded and then he and Ash walked away. For a couple of minutes, Castiel just stood there, trying to comprehend everything that had just happened.   
He was worried about Dean, but he knew he could go home now – and also _should_ go home, because he had already stayed way longer than he’d wanted to.   
So he went back to his car and drove back home. He had no problems getting back inside, but his room was freezing cold now, since the window had been open the whole time. It was past three a.m. but Castiel didn’t feel tired at all. He walked aimlessly through his room for a while, before he took off his clothes and put on his pyjamas. He laid down in his bed and stared out of the window, knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight.   
About forty-five minutes later suddenly his phone rang. He hadn’t saved the number, so he didn’t know who it was.   
“Hello?”   
“Cas. It’s me, Ash.”  
“Oh. Hey Ash. Where did you get my number?”  
“From Dean’s phone,” Ash said. “Listen, I… I just wanted to ask if you’re okay. I know it can be pretty… disturbing to see something like this for the first time. But I can ensure you that Dean’s already feeling better and that he’s gonna be fine tomorrow. What happened today was relatively harmless, alright?”  
“Uh… okay,” Castiel said hesitant. “But… what happened? Was it because this guy hit him?”  
“Well… I guess the punch in the stomach wasn’t really helpful… just as the way he hurt him emotionally. But it was probably more because of the pills he took than anything else. It was one of C’s own mixtures and I mean, yes, the guy knows what he does, but those one are just fucking dangerous. And Dean knows it. Sometimes it goes wrong and more often than not it ends up much worse than today. Dean was lucky. You too, I guess. Believe me, you wouldn’t want to see how bad it can get.”  
Castiel swallowed empty, not knowing what he should say.   
“However,” Ash continued then, “I don’t know how long it’ll take Dean to get down from this again, but I’ll keep an eye on him, okay?”  
Somehow, Ash seemed to understand how important Dean’s safety was for Castiel, even though he had barely seen them together.   
“Alright,” Castiel agreed.   
“Okay, so I gotta go now. See you.”  
“Bye, Ash.”

It had been a long night, Castiel hadn’t been able to get even a minute of sleep. The following day, he went with his family to church, as usual. Nobody had noticed that he’d been gone, which was really releasing.   
Three days passed until Dean finally called him. Castiel had been incredibly worried, but he had forced himself to give Dean the time he needed, knowing Dean would eventually call. He didn’t sound very good at the phone, his voice was wrecked – even deeper and rougher than usual – and the way he sighed all the time, showed how tired he was.   
“I guess… we won’t see us again, huh?” he said after he had ensured Castiel that he had recovered from Saturday night and that he felt better.   
“What?” Castiel couldn’t help the panic-struck sound of his voice. “Why?”  
Dean seemed confused. “Well… I… I didn’t think you’d… you’d want to see me again. After… after what happened.”  
“Dean…” Castiel said softly. “Of course I want to see you again. Or why else do you think I was so worried?”  
“I… I don’t know. I thought you would just ask out of decency.”  
“I don’t. I told you, Dean. I care about you.”  
“Yeah.” Dean huffed out a laugh. “You told me.”  
“And I meant it. So if you ever need someone, like to talk, or anything else, just know that I’m here.”  
“Yeah, look, Cas… I know you mean it good, but I’m not really the guy for this feelsy talking stuff, alright?”  
“Yes. Sure.”  
“Okay. Good.” He was quiet for a moment. “Uhm, I have some friends over tonight, like Ash and a few others you don’t know yet. You wanna come over too?”  
Castiel hesitated. “I… don’t know. I have school tomorrow.”  
“C’mon, Cassie. You don’t have to stay long. Just come over for an hour or so.”  
“Fine,” Castiel agreed and then laughed. “But stop calling me Cassie.”  
“A’ight. I’ll send you a message with the address. See you at seven?”  
“Sure. Bye, Dean.”  
“Bye.”  
They ended the phone call and Castiel went downstairs to ask his parents if he could go over to a friend tonight. They were little enthusiastic, so he lied hastily and told them something about them wanting to study together. Eventually, his parents allowed it to him, and his father agreed to lend him his car and so practically everything Castiel did this afternoon was waiting impatiently for it to be time to go over to Dean.   
At six-thirty, he left the house, heading to the address Dean had sent him. Even though he had been here once, he couldn’t remember the neighbourhood at all, apart from the bus station. He parked the car and walked up to the fourth floor, where Dean’s apartment was. Dean opened the door for Castiel and smiled widely.   
“Hey Cas. C’mon in.” He stepped aside and Castiel entered the apartment. Immediately the smell of cigarettes – and something else – wreathed around him. Dean led him to his bedroom, which seemed to be his living room at the same time, since his apartment was really tiny. Six people were there in the room, sprawled over the mattress and the couch.   
“Cas, those are Jo, Charlie, Garth, Chuck, Meg, and you already know Ash,” Dean said and pointed on the people. “Guys, that’s Cas. I told you about him.”   
“Oh, yeah, the church boy,” Jo, a blonde girl, said and grinned at Castiel. Castiel frowned lightly when she used the same nickname as Ash, but didn’t say anything about it. Instead, he let Dean pull him to the couch, where they squeezed themselves in the tiny space left next to Meg and Chuck, so Castiel sat between Dean and Meg.  
“You up for some sins, church boy?” Meg smirked at him and winked, reaching a cigarette over to him. Only that it wasn’t a cigarette. Castiel wasn’t stupid, even though he had never seen a real one before, he knew it was a joint.   
“You know you don’t have to,” Dean said when Castiel just held it between his fingers for a moment and stared down at it.   
“Y-yeah,” Castiel said thankfully and then gave it to Dean. “Maybe later.”   
Dean grinned at him and nudged his shoulder before he dragged at the joint and gave it back to Chuck. “What did your parents say?” Dean asked him.   
“Oh, uh, I told them I’d go to a classmate for studying.”  
Dean laughed. “And they believed you this bullshit?”  
“Well… I never gave them any reason to not trust me, so far.”  
“So far? You mean this is gonna change?”  
“Well, duh.” Castiel rolled his eyes. “What do you think am I doing here?”   
Dean wanted to say something, but then they got interrupted from Meg. “So, what’s Cas short for? I mean, what’s your full name?”  
“Castiel,” Dean answered for him.   
“Castiel?” Meg repeated. “Does it have a meaning? I mean don’t get me wrong, but most weird names have a meaning.”  
“Yeah, that’d interest me too,” Dean murmured and laid his arm casually around Castiel’s shoulder.   
“Uhm… I’m named after an angel,” he said then. “All my siblings are.”   
“And what’s Castiel the angel of?” Meg asked, leaning closer to Castiel.   
Castiel blushed lightly; he had never really liked the fact, that while his brothers were named after archangels, he was named after the angel of Thursday. When he told this to Meg and Dean, Meg laughed.   
“Angel of Thursday?” she repeated. “Seriously?”  
Castiel just shrugged, trying to ignore the rude tone in her voice.   
“How are your siblings called?” Dean asked then. “You said all of them were named after angels.”  
“Gabriel, Raphael and Michael. They’re named after archangels.”  
“Why weren’t you named after an archangel?”  
“I don’t know. My mom said it was because she just liked the name.”  
“Well, Castiel _is_ a more beautiful name than Gabriel, Raphael or Michael,” Dean said and smiled softly at him, then taking the joint Meg reached to him and dragged on it. When he offered it to Castiel, Cas shook his head.   
“I shouldn’t do this. I… can’t stay long anyway. I have to be home at ten.”  
“That’s enough time. You probably won’t feel too much anyway, since this is your first time, isn’t it?”  
Castiel nodded. “So they won’t notice?” he asked hesitant, but then took the joint from Dean.   
“If you managed to keep all this secret for so long, then I’m sure you’ll be able to hide this from them.”  
“Alright,” Castiel said then and dragged once on it. But Jesus almighty, this was _horrible_. It burned in his lungs and Castiel nearly coughed his lungs out. The other one’s laughed, but it didn’t sound mean. More as if they all had experienced this too.   
“I guess I should’ve warned you,” Dean said softly and patted his back, giving him a beer. Castiel’s eyes were teary and he wiped over them with the back of his hand after giving the joint back to Dean, who finished it and threw it in the trash can standing next to the couch. Castiel took a sip from his beer and leaned back again.   
“That was _disgusting_ ,” he said then to Dean. Dean huffed out a laugh and Castiel saw that he was already busy making a new one.   
“It gets better with time, I promise.”   
Incredibly quick – at least in Castiel’s eyes – Dean was done and brought out a lighter. When he offered it to Castiel again, Castiel hesitated.   
“I’m not sure if I want to do this again.”  
“It will get better.”  
It didn’t. Castiel ended up almost puking again, twice before he refused to try it again. Instead he just watched the other ones and listened to their conversation. Since he didn’t really know them, he slipped to the background, keeping himself out of everything and just watched.   
After a while, Chuck and Ash went out to get some more beer ‘and stuff’ and Dean had gotten up and was now talking with Garth and so Castiel remained alone with Meg on the couch. In the second Dean walked over to Garth, Meg moved closer to Castiel.   
“So, you’re Dean’s new boy toy, huh?” she asked then.   
“I’m not his boy toy,” Castiel said and frowned, involuntarily leaning back a little. Something about her made him feel uneasy. He couldn’t exactly pin-point it, but she was just getting too close to him.   
“Yeah? Well, he looked at you exactly the way he looked at his last few… ‘boyfriends’. Not Benny, of course. Benny was different. But you? You’re just a quick fuck for him, before he’ll throw you away. Believe me, Cas.” She leaned even closer, laying her hand on Castiel’s thigh and squeezing lightly, her face almost touching his. “I know Dean.”  
“Could you… move back?” Castiel asked quietly, turning his face away from Meg. “I don’t like it when people I don’t know are so close to me.”  
“Are you sure?” Meg whispered and pressed herself closer to Castiel. “Or do you just want me to not find out that you actually do like it very much?” Her hand wandered higher on Castiel’s thigh, until it nearly touched his crotch.   
“I’m sorry, but I’m not interested. And if you could please stop touching me now-” Before he could finish the sentence, someone suddenly grabbed Meg’s shoulder and ripped her away from him.   
“I think he told you clearly, that he didn’t like it when you’re so close,” Dean growled, still holding her shoulder firmly.   
“Awh, are you jealous?” she just said mockingly. “Don’t worry, Dean. I won’t steal you your little toy. Boy as queer as a fucking rainbow-puking unicorn anyway.”  
“I, uh… I think I’ll leave then,” Castiel said insecurely and stood up. “I didn’t want to cause a fight…”  
“No, you stay,” Dean said. “Meg’s leaving. She’s only here to cadge some drinks anyway.”  
Meg just flipped him off before she grabbed her leather jacket and swaggered out of the room.   
“I’m sorry,” Dean said then when he went over to Castiel. “She’s a bitch. Just don’t listen to her.”   
Castiel nodded, but he was still thinking about her words though. Was she right about Dean? Did he really just want sex from Castiel? But somehow, Castiel didn’t believe this. Dean could’ve easily convinced him to have sex with him if he tried – as much as Castiel wished it wasn’t like this –, but so far, he hadn’t tried anything in this direction.   
“You alright?” Dean asked him and raised questioningly an eyebrow.   
“Yeah, sure. I’m fine.” Castiel smiled lightly and then looked around in the room. He could hear Dean asking him something, but he got distracted from listening to the words, when he saw Jo sitting on Charlie’s lap, Charlie’s hands up her shirt and they were practically making out right there in front of everyone. He frowned deeply, but somehow wasn’t able to look away. Dean’s eyes followed his and when he saw what had distracted Castiel like this, he laughed.   
“Oh, they’re always like that. Jo always gets horny when she’s drunk. And believe me… this right now, is comparatively harmless.”  
Castiel’s frown deepened but then he finally managed to tear his eyes off them. “Uhm… alright,” he said then.   
“Better be glad you’ve never seen them on mollies. It’s like lesbian porn, but with way too much cuddling.” Dean shrugged and emptied the glass of Scotch – at least that’s what Castiel assumed it was – he held in his hand.   
In this moment, Ash and Chuck came back with the drinks they’d bought. They placed a huge arrangement of bottles and beer cans on the table in the middle of the room and Ash pressed something in Dean’s hand which Dean immediately shove in his pocket with a smirk before he grabbed a bottle of green vodka and pulled Castiel with him to the couch where they sat down again.   
“Does it bother you when I drink out of the bottle?” Dean asked him. Castiel shook his head.   
“I… shouldn’t drink anyway. I have to go home soon.”  
“Awh, c’mon. Just a little,” Dean said and held the bottle to Castiel after he’d taken a few sips from it. Castiel hesitated for a moment, but then reached his hand out and took the bottle. He had started to like vodka and a few sips wouldn’t kill him.

‘A few sips’ quickly turned into half a bottle and even though it obviously didn’t kill him, it made him drunk enough to let him forget completely about the time or that the fact that he should stay sober. So after the vodka was empty, there followed a few cocktails from Garth which he _had to try_ , how Dean insisted and soon Castiel was completely wasted, sitting on the floor in front of the couch between Dean’s legs, but still not stopping to drink. By now, Jo and Charlie had stopped their make out session and instead had started mixing their own ‘cocktails’ to give them to Castiel to try. Most of them were totally disgusting, but at this point, Castiel poured down everything they gave to him, no matter how it tasted.   
“Whoa, there,” Dean suddenly said and took the glass out of Castiel’s hand before he could drink it. Castiel protested, but Dean placed the glass away from him. “I think you should take it slow.” He bent over Castiel and Castiel leaned his head back on the couch.   
“I’m fine,” he said – or at least he tried. His tongue was heavy and he wasn’t sure if he had pronounced this right.   
“Yeah, I’m sure you are,” Dean said, grinning lightly. “But you’re gonna thank me tomorrow for not letting you drink anymore.”  
“I don’t think so.” Castiel turned around so he could reach the glass and drank its content. It tasted disgusting and he made a face, but it didn’t matter to him. Dean laughed and then pulled his legs up on the couch so he could lay down.   
“You’re not gonna sleep now,” Castiel protested and poked Dean’s arm.   
“But I’m tired.”  
“I’m not.” Castiel climbed on top of Dean and sat astride on his hips. “You’re not gonna sleep,” he repeated and poked Dean in the stomach. Dean grabbed his wrists.   
“Stop doing that.”  
“Then stop being sleepy and get up.” Castiel tried to free his wrists from Dean’s grip, but Dean didn’t let go of him.   
“You’re really annoying when you’re drunk,” Dean sighed and then suddenly sat up, so their chests were pressed together. Castiel was surprised for a moment, the whole thing had gone too fast for his drunk mind. “Give me a reason to stay up then,” Dean grinned, leaning forward to peck Castiel’s lips. Castiel grinned too and kissed Dean back. He tried to free his hands again, so he could pull Dean closer, but Dean still held his wrists tightly, so Castiel just leaned his head forward to deepen the kiss. Dean growled quietly and then let go of Castiel’s wrists, but only to grab his ass and pull him closer. Castiel moaned and laid his hands on Dean’s waist, pressing himself closer against Dean’s body. Dean sucked Castiel’s lower lip between his teeth and nibbled lightly, eliciting soft gasps and groans from Cas.   
“Seriously, guys? Get a room!” Ash suddenly said and threw an empty beer can at them. Dean pulled back and shot an angry glance at him.   
“This _is_ a room. _My_ room, just so you won’t forget this. Besides that, we’re not nearly as bad as Jo and Charlie.”  
“Hey!” the girls protested, but they got ignored.   
“Yeah, well, but they’re _girls_. Nobody would turn down some lesbian porn. But you two…? No thanks.”  
“Shut your mouth.” Dean threw the can back at him and pulled Castiel closer to kiss him again. But this time, he left it at one kiss, before he ended it again. Castiel protested quietly, but Dean refused to kiss him again. “Stop it, Cas,” he said softly. “I don’t wanna do anything you’d regret later. So we better stop before we go too far.”  
Castiel didn’t agree, but he knew a discussion would be pointless.   
“Hey Dean,” Chuck asked then, “you want some too?” He pointed to the table and Castiel saw there a few thin lines of white powder on it. Ash just bent over it and snorted one of them, before Garth did the same.   
“As if you wouldn’t know.” Dean lifted Castiel off his lap and then went over to them. At first, Castiel just watched them, but then he suddenly he found himself standing next to them and asking if he could have some too. He had no idea what this was, and he didn’t know why he asked this, but right now, he just wanted to try it. Dean looked up to him surprised, some of the powder left around his nostril.   
“Are you serious?”  
Castiel nodded.

* * *

**__ **

A throbbing pain in his head woke Castiel up. He didn’t even have time to orientate himself or find out where he was, when he already jumped up and stumbled to the bathroom, only guided by his instincts. The second he bent over the toilet, his stomach twisted and he puked his guts out. Or at least that was how it felt.   
After like seven hundred years of vomiting, his stomach was finally empty, and he had just enough strength left to flush before he sank down on the floor, leaning against the wall.   
“Hey, you okay?” Dean suddenly appeared in the door frame, rubbing his temples and looking worried down at him. Castiel just shook his head and pressed his forehead against the soothing coolness of the bathroom tiles.   
Dean nodded and then disappeared for a minute, before he came back with a glass of water and a pain killer. Giving both items to Castiel, he sat down next to him.   
“I think I’m gonna die,” Castiel groaned and then leaned against Dean’s shoulder. Dean gently rubbed his shoulder.   
“You’re gonna be fine soon. But – only for the sake of being an asshole – I told you to stop drinking.”  
Castiel groaned and pinched Dean’s waist. “Shut up.”  
Dean chuckled softly and pressed a kiss on top of Castiel’s head. “Uh, listen, Cas… I don’t wanna worry you or something, but… what are you gonna tell your parents?”  
Castiel shot up on his feet, ignoring the sharp pain in his head, and looked at Dean with widened eyes when he remembered. “Jesus Christ,” he hissed. “My parents are gonna _kill me._ What time is it?”   
“I don’t know, about eleven.”  
“Oh my god,” Castiel whimpered and couldn’t stop the tears from damming in his eyes and streaming down over his cheeks. “My father’s gonna kill me,” he whispered and then searched in his pocket for his phone. When he couldn’t find it, he hurried over to the bedroom, searching for it everywhere, not caring that he woke up the others.   
“Where is my phone?” he whined loudly when he couldn’t find it.   
“In the trash can there,” Ash groaned, rubbing his eyes and pointing to the trash can next to the couch. “You threw it away after you talked with your father. Said something about celebrating your entry to hell.”  
“I talked to my father?” Castiel asked aghast and when Ash nodded, he started sobbing. He rummaged in the trash can until he found his phone and when he flipped it open, he saw that there were eleven missed calls and several _very_ angry messages from all of his family members on it. He sank down on the floor, burying his head between his knees, still sobbing.   
“Cas?” Dean kneeled down in front of him. “I’m sorry, Cas.” He took Castiel’s hand in his and pressed a kiss on his knuckle. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want this to happen when I invited you over, believe me.”  
Castiel nodded. “I know.” It wasn’t Dean’s fault. Dean hadn’t forced him to do those things. Whether to come, nor to drink or take those drugs. Those had all been Castiel’s own decisions.   
“What are you gonna do now?”  
Castiel shrugged, forcing himself to stop crying. It wouldn’t make the situation any better. “I’m gonna go home, I guess. It will only make it worse if I stay away any longer.”  
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Dean looked worried at him. “You always sound so anxious when you talk about your parents.”  
Castiel huffed out a laugh. “They’re gonna kill me. I told you. But I have to go home. Sooner or later they’d get me anyway.”  
“I can’t just let you go. This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have invited you when I knew we were gonna drink and stuff. I’m sorry, Cas. I shouldn’t have done this.”   
“It’s fine. It wasn’t your fault. I decided on my own that I wanted to come and do those things. I don’t blame you.”  
Dean nodded and then leaned closer to kiss Castiel softly. “If they hurt you, call me, okay? I’m gonna kidnap you if I have to.”  
Castiel smiled lightly. “Okay.”  
He got up and gathered all his things together, quickly saying everyone goodbye. Dean came down to the car with him.   
“Will you come to my funeral?” Castiel asked half-jokingly when they stood next to the car.   
“Of course. And don’t forget, we’re gonna see us in hell again. Just look out for me in the huge gay orgy.” Dean grinned, but Castiel could see in his eyes that he was still worried.   
“In case you survive this…” he said hesitant. “Would you like to go out with me then? I mean really. Not getting drunk or high, but a real date.”  
Castiel’s heart skipped a beat when he heard this. “Really?” he asked surprised. “You’d want that?”  
Dean shrugged. “Yeah. Why not?”  
Castiel bit down on his lower lip and smiled. “I’d love to. – Well, if I don’t get grounded for the rest of my life.”  
Dean nodded and then laid his arm around Castiel’s waist, pulling him closer for a kiss. “Call me as soon as you can, alright?”  
Castiel nodded. “I will.”  
Dean held the car open for him and so Castiel sat down in the car and then set off to drive home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be aware that I have never taken any kind of drugs in my life, so the descriptions might not always be 100% accurate. I got all the informations from Internet research.


	3. No Pain, No Gain

_January 2002_

Murder didn’t even come close to what Castiel’s parents had done to him. The second he had entered the house this day, his mother had been standing in front of him, slapping him right in the face, calling him a disgrace, a junkie, a sinner, cursing him in every way possible, before taking everything away from him, his phone, his radio, his books and then locking him into his room, where he had to wait until his father came home.  
Castiel was not gonna lie. He peed out of the window. Twice. But what else was he supposed to do when he had to pee really badly but his mom refused to let him out?  
But anyway, the real horror only started when his father came home from work. Castiel could see him parking Gabriel’s car on the driveway and when he stepped out of it and saw his own car standing there, Castiel hastily went away from the window. Hearing his father’s heavy steps coming upstairs, was worse than every torture Castiel could imagine. He was sweating and shaking when he heard his father unlocking the door.  
“Castiel,” his father said when he entered the room, closing the door behind himself. “I see you’re back.”  
Castiel pressed himself against the wall, hunching his shoulders. His father stepped closer, slowly and threatening.  
“You’ve been out last night,” he said, his voice calm. “Told us you’d go to a _classmate_ for _studying_. We told you to be back by ten. At ten thirty I tried to call you for the first time. You didn’t pick up. At ten forty-five, I tried it again. You still didn’t bother to pick up. At eleven forty-five, I called for the sixth time. When you picked up, you were barely able to properly pronounce words anymore. On my question where you were, you answered _celebrating your gayness with some of your new friends, you met at a gay bar_. When I told you to come home, you told me _I’d have to come and tear you down from your boyfriend’s dick to get you to stop riding him_. In the background, I heard people cheering before you ended the phone call, not picking up anymore when I tried to call you again.”  
Castiel felt the blood rushing out of his face and he was nearly fainting. _Where had those words come from?_ He hadn’t known that he even owned a vocabulary like this. But of course he must discover it in this way.  
The first punch from his father had hit him right in the face. He had nearly passed out, but unfortunately… only nearly. His father had beaten him up; for a while Castiel had seriously feared that he would beat him to death. But no, that would’ve been too easy. Instead, after a while, his father finally stopped and left the room without a second glance at Castiel, leaving him hurt and bleeding behind.

Basically Castiel’s parents hadn’t allowed him to go to school again before Christmas, so no one would see the bruises and the wounds. Plus he was grounded for ‘the rest of his damned life’ and still hadn’t gotten his radio or his books back – let alone his phone, so he spent practically all day lying in bed and doing nothing. He hadn’t been allowed to celebrate Christmas or New Year’s Eve with his family either. – Not that this had really bothered him.  
Now, it was the beginning of January and in two days school would start again and then Castiel would finally be allowed to go there again. His father would drive him there every day and Raphael would have to pick him up every afternoon and oh, that would be a joy. Unnecessary to say, that Raphael was little excited about this.  
On Sunday night, Castiel packed his school books and got everything ready for tomorrow, before he went to the bathroom to take a shower. There were still some bruises on his ribcage and his back, but the ones in his face were healed, so nobody would notice it.  
He was so looking forward to go to school again. Finally getting out of the house and away from his family for a few hours a day.  
The whole time, he had tried to act as obedient and rueful as possible, in the hope his parents would forgive him faster and maybe give him his phone back, but no. Nothing. Castiel only wanted it for maybe five minutes, so he could write Dean. Or even call him. Hear his voice…  
He missed him so badly. He craved hearing Dean’s voice, seeing him, feeling his lips on his own… Castiel sighed deeply and turned on his other side, staring out of the window. It couldn’t be normal how much he missed Dean. It couldn’t be normal how painful it was to know, he wouldn’t be able to see him again sometime soon.  
He slept badly this night, like almost every night, but then the next day, he had to get up early and it nearly killed him. But on the other hand, he was excited for going to school, so that made the whole thing a lot better.  
His father greeted him grumpy as always when he came downstairs and later, on the drive, they didn’t talk a single word with each other, until his father stopped the car in front of the school.  
“Your brother’s gonna pick you up after school. If you try to skip class to meet those people, or if you’re even only _one_ minute late… you’re gonna get home-schooled.”  
Castiel pressed his lips together, but then nodded and left the car, walking over to the entrance of the school.  
Some of his classmates asked him where he’d been the two weeks before Christmas and Castiel just told them he’d been sick. He had some difficulties catching up again in the beginning, but it got better within a few days.  
On Thursday in the break, he was just standing at his locker, taking out some books, he’d use later, when suddenly Mike from his math class walked up to him.  
“Castiel. There’s someone out there, looking for you.”  
Castiel frowned confused. “Who?”  
Mike shrugged. “I don’t know. He doesn’t go to school here. Pretty tall, dark blond hair, green eyes-”  
Castiel’s eyes widened and before Mike could say anything more, he literally ran outside. Dean stood next to the entrance; Castiel nearly ran past him, but he grabbed Castiel’s arm and pulled him in a hug. Castiel tied his arms around Dean’s waist, hugging him tightly, but then he forced himself to step back – even if it nearly killed him – because he didn’t want to draw even more attention on them.  
“What happened?” Dean asked him. “I can’t reach you on your phone anymore.”  
“My parents took it from me.”  
“I tried to find you here before, but you haven’t been here.”  
“Yes…” Castiel lowered the volume of his voice. “My father beat me up pretty badly and they didn’t want anyone to find out, so they didn’t allow me to go to school until this week.”  
“Goddammit! If this fucking bastard touches you again, I’m gonna kill him, Cas!” Dean growled and grabbed his shoulders. “I’m gonna fucking kill him, I swear to God!”  
In this moment, the school bell rang. “I have to go now,” Castiel said and sighed. “If I’m late only once, I’m gonna get home-schooled.”  
“Fuck.” Dean laid his hands on Castiel’s cheeks and looked him straight in the eyes. “I’m gonna come again tomorrow. And I’m gonna get you a phone.” He pulled Castiel in a tight hug. “Jeez, it nearly killed me to not see you for this long.”  
“Me too,” Castiel murmured, but then he had to hurry to not be late for class.  
The whole day, he was deadly afraid that somehow, his family had found out about it, but then no one acted suspicious, he relaxed slowly.  
Dean held his promise and showed up again the next day to give Castiel a phone. But he couldn’t stay, because he had ‘work to do’. Castiel felt somehow bad, taking something as expensive as a phone from Dean, but on the other hand it would finally allow them to communicate again. He hid the phone in his school bag until he was in the safety of his own room, before he took it out and turned it on. There was already a message from Dean, saying that Castiel should call or write him as soon as possible.

_I can’t call. My parents would hear me. But we can write._

Castiel sent the message and a few minutes later, Dean answered.

_Are you still grounded?_

His mother called Castiel to come downstairs and he hastily typed and answer, before he laid the phone aside and went downstairs.

_Yes. And I’m gonna be for the rest of my life._

As always, the dinner with his family was more than just uncomfortable. They all either ignored him or shot him sharp glances or – in Gabriel’s case – made gay jokes whenever possible. But even the worst dinner had an end eventually and as soon as he could, Castiel went upstairs to his room again. On his phone, there was a message from Dean waiting for him.

_They can’t lock you in forever. When are you gonna turn eighteen?_

Castiel sighed. His birthday was in a few days, but as long as he lived here, he couldn’t do anything about the way his parents treated him.

 _In a week_ , he replied. _But it won’t change anything as long as I live here._

Like Castiel had expected, Dean’s answer was telling him to move out.

_Where should I go? I don’t have money. I have to stay here._

However, Dean’s next answer, was completely unexpected.

_Move in with me. No rent and free drinks guaranteed._

Castiel just stared down on the display for a long time. This was crazy. He still barely knew Dean. What if they’d fight and Dean would throw him out? What if Castiel would get in serious trouble because of Dean’s lifestyle?  
It was crazy. It was ridiculous. It was dangerous. And it was a damn high risk. But it was _Dean_.  
Castiel knew the responsible part of his brain had already lost the fight in the second it had started.

 _Seriously?_ , he typed back eventually.

_Yeah, if you want, then why not? – Though, you know my flat. Not much personal space there._

Castiel couldn’t stop his heart from racing in his chest. He could move out from here? He could get away from his family? He could _move in with Dean?_

The next few days, Castiel and Dean spent mostly with planning the whole thing. There was a small part of Castiel’s brain – the responsibility part, tiny and withered since Castiel had met Dean – that constantly told him that this whole thing was crazy. That it went way too fast. But it didn’t matter for Castiel. He didn’t care about what was smart to do. He only cared about being with Dean.  
A good thing was, Castiel had saved some money on his bank account and together with the money he’d probably get for his birthday – even though his parents hated him, his grandparents didn’t; at least not that much – it would be quite a lot.  
On Saturday, he convinced his mom that he’d have to go and buy some stuff for school and of course she didn’t let him go alone, but when they were in the mall, he went to the first ATM he saw and got a few hundred dollars from his bank account. He feared that his parent might block his card when he left them, but at the same time, he didn’t want to get all the money at once. So he put the money in the back of his wallet and bought some stuff, so his mother wouldn’t get suspicious.  
He and Dean had agreed that Castiel wouldn’t move out right on his birthday, but instead waited until the 28th because Dean had ‘some business’ to do, which would be over by then.  
So Castiel repeated the play with his mom two more times until he’d gotten all the money from his account. Together with the money he’d gotten for his birthday, he had nearly fifteen hundred dollars.  
The 27th was a Friday and the next day, Dean would come and pick him up. Castiel didn’t own many things, actually only his clothes and a few small things, so the packing didn’t take him long. He still hadn’t told his parents yet, but he had feared that if he’d tell them too early, they’d find a way to destroy his plans.  
The whole thing still felt so surreal when he laid in the bed this evening. He would move out tomorrow. He would move in with Dean. He would start new. Castiel was done with the life he’d had so far. Done with all the hate and discrimination. Tomorrow, he would start new.  
The next morning, he saw a message from Dean on his phone, telling him that he’d be there at eleven.  
After the breakfast with his family – the last horrible family meal ever! – Castiel went back upstairs and packed the last few things and when he got the message from Dean, that he was here, Castiel took the big suitcase and carried it downstairs. Even though it was mostly filled with clothes, it was really heavy and it was difficult for Castiel to carry it. He probably made a lot noise, or at least it was enough to alarm his parents and his brothers and make them come and look what was happening.  
“What do you think you’re doing?” his father asked, already outrageous again.  
“I’m moving out,” Castiel said calmly and put on his shoes before he opened the door.  
“Moving out?!” his father shouted. “You’re _not_ moving out. You don’t know anything about living on your own. You don’t have any money. How do you think you’re gonna afford this?”  
“That’s why I’m here.” Dean suddenly stood in the doorframe behind Castiel, laying his hands on his shoulders.  
Castiel’s father’s eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw Dean. Dean simply took the suitcase out of Castiel’s hand. “You ready, baby?” he asked and Castiel was sure that he only called him baby to provoke his father. Castiel nodded and Dean winked to Castiel’s father and saluted jokingly, before they both turned around and went to the car.  
Right when they put Castiel’s suitcase in the trunk, Castiel’s father seemed to snap out of his shock. He shouted Castiel’s name and threw a shoe after them, telling him to come back instantly. But Dean and Castiel just hurried to the front of the car, sat inside and drove off hastily.  
Both laughed out loud when they saw the furious face of Castiel’s father in the rear-view mirror getting smaller before it eventually disappeared.  
“I assume you didn’t prepare them,” Dean laughed breathless.  
“No.” Castiel pressed his hand against his ribs, because his stomach started hurting from laughing so hard.  
“I can’t believe you just did this,” Dean said, still breathless from laughing so hard. “Three months ago you were freaking out because you accidentally went to a gay bar. And now look at you.” Dean shook his head in disbelief. “You’re fucking amazing.”  
Castiel smiled softly and turned a little in his seat, so he was directed towards Dean. “I can’t believe it by myself,” he said then. “You know, actually this is insane. I know it is. But I still did it.”  
“I’m glad you did it.”

When they arrived in Dean’s apartment, Dean made some space for Castiel’s stuff and when they were done with unpacking, they laid down on the mattress, Castiel cuddling against Dean’s chest. It felt so perfect, so whole, so complete. Castiel couldn’t understand how he had lived so long without Dean. And he knew, from now on, he wouldn’t be able to anymore.  
They spent nearly the whole afternoon like this, just lying there, talking a little and drinking a few beers.  
“I’ve got something for us,” Dean said then suddenly and stood up. He left the room and a minute later, he came back, sitting down cross-legged on the mattress. He held up a small plastic-bag with two pills in it. “Only if you want.”  
Castiel sat up too and took the plastic-bag in his hand, taking a closer look at it. “What are those?”  
“I don’t know exactly. Those are new creations from C. I got them for my birthday.”  
“C?” Castiel asked. He had already heard Ash talking about this guy once.  
“I get my drugs from him,” Dean explained. “Well, not from him personally, but he creates and stores most of the stuff I take.” Dean looked at Castiel and narrowed his eyes for a moment. “You know you mustn’t talk about anyone with this, don’t you?”  
Castiel nodded. “Of course.”  
“Good. – So, you want or not? It’s fine if you don’t,” he assured Castiel.  
“No, let’s try them,” Castiel said. Dean smiled pleased and then opened the plastic-bag and gave one of the pills to Castiel.  
“You ready?” he asked Castiel and when he nodded, they swallowed the pills.

* * *

**__ **

The time with Dean always flew by so fast. Castiel couldn’t put in words what he felt every time he was with Dean. It was consuming. Exciting. Life changing.  
It already started the first night Castiel spent in his new home with Dean. When they’d taken the pills, at first, Castiel just laid there, completely stunned by how amazing this felt. Of course, he’d heard many bad things about drugs, but in this moment, he couldn’t believe any of them. Everything was bright and amazing and it just felt so good.  
And then suddenly there were Dean’s hands on Castiel’s waist and Dean’s lips on Castiel’s. There were sloppy kisses and greedy, aimless touches. There was the desperate need to feel skin on skin. Everything was great and colourful and amazing and dizzy, but the good kind of dizziness. Castiel felt drunk from Dean’s scent and his taste on Castiel’s lips.  
  
They didn’t have sex. Not that night. Even though both of them had been aroused and Castiel had practically begged Dean, he had said no. He wanted Castiel’s first night to be something special. He didn’t want it to happen when they were both high. Even though he had been disappointed in the first moment, afterwards, he was glad Dean had said this. Because he knew he would’ve regretted this. He wasn’t ready for this, especially not when he still didn’t know what exactly it was between him and Dean.  
Most of the time, it was as if they were a couple. Not that they’d defined it, but it just felt like it. But there were some days, when Castiel would come home from school and found Dean totally wasted on the couch, crying over Benny and cursing himself, talking about taking his own life. Those days were difficult. They were even worse than when he woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of Dean puking his guts out, or because Dean was having anxiety and panic attacks because the drugs made him paranoid. The next day, Castiel would be so exhausted that he barely managed to get up the following morning and more than once fell asleep in class.  
But those incidents got rarer. Castiel started skipping class instead. Often, he would only show up second or third period, and after a while he skipped whole days. He just didn’t feel like going to school or simply had a too big hangover because he’d somehow ended up sharing a few bottles of vodka with Dean the previous night.  
Castiel crashed down completely, but he didn’t realize it until he hit rock bottom.

The day he _did_ realize it, was a Friday, last week of March and it was the first time this week, Castiel had shown up in class. He didn’t even know why he had gone in the first place, he was gonna fail anyway. When he was on his way home, he suddenly heard a familiar voice behind him.  
“Castiel?”  
Castiel turned around and raised his eyebrows surprised when he saw his brother standing there. It probably shouldn’t be so unexpected, after all, it wasn’t like Castiel was out of world. He’d only moved to a different part of the city.  
“You look horrible, Castiel,” Gabriel shook his head in disbelief. “What happened to you?”  
Castiel frowned. “Nothing. I feel great.”  
Gabriel looked at him again and Castiel could’ve sworn that there was real concern in his brother’s eyes, if this wasn’t so unrealistic. “Get away from that guy, Castiel,” Gabriel said then. “You still have the chance to save yourself. Don’t waste it.”  
Castiel scoffed, shaking his head. “I don’t need to ‘be saved’. I’m totally fine.”  
Gabriel sighed deeply and looked at if he wanted to say something, but then pressed his lips together and nodded instead, before he walked away.  
This was the last time, Castiel saw a member of his family.  
“Gabriel has no idea what he’s talking,” Castiel muttered to himself, while he was walking home. “I’m fine.”  
But as much as he tried to convince himself from this, the moment he entered the apartment, he went to the next mirror and looked at his reflection. He was shocked, to say the least.  How was it possible, that he hadn’t noticed what was happening to him? He looked like a stranger. His eyes were red and looked huge, there were dark circles underneath them and his cheekbones looked as if they were about to break through the skin soon. Of course he had noticed that he had lost some weight, but he hadn’t realized how much it had really been. A short look on his stomach, seeing how his ribs and hip bones poked out, was enough to get him panicking.  
When Dean came back from wherever he had been, he found Castiel in the kitchen, surrounded by empty packages and wrapping papers from every single edible thing in the house, in his hand a nearly empty bottle of Scotch and he was crying his eyes out.  
“Cas…” Dean said shocked and kneeled down in front of him, pulling him in a hug. “What happened?”  
Castiel didn’t know why, but suddenly he was furious. He pushed Dean away and hit him against the chest. “What have you done to me?” he shouted at him. Dean sat on the floor, looking at Castiel with widened eyes, trying to understand what just had happened. “What…? What did I do?”  
“Look at me!” Castiel shouted and threw the bottle on the floor, so it shattered and Scotch spilled everywhere. “You destroyed me!”  
Dean was completely frozen by now, he just sat on the floor, listening to all the horrible Castiel said, not even attempting to defend himself.  
“I used to have a life! Before you came with your fucking alcohol and the drugs and you destroyed me! I used to have everything and now fucking look at me!” Castiel broke down sobbing and only on the edge of his mind, he heard Dean saying something.  
“You know I never wanted this.” His voice sounded broken and was barely audible. For a while, Castiel just sat there on the kitchen floor, still sobbing, until he realized what he had just done.  
“Dean?” he looked around, but Dean wasn’t in the kitchen anymore. Castiel got up on weak legs ad called Dean’s name again, searching for him in the apartment. Eventually he saw that the bathroom door was locked, which means Dean was in there.  
“Dean?” Castiel knocked at the door. “I’m sorry, Dean. I-I didn’t mean it.”  
Dean didn’t answer, so Castiel knocked again. He felt tears streaming down over his cheek again. “Please Dean. I didn’t mean it, I swear.” His knees gave in when he started sobbing again and he leaned weakly against the door. “You know I love you, Dean. Please tell me you do.” It was the first time he had said it out loud, but after everything they’d been through together, it was actually more than obvious.  
At first, still nothing happened, but then suddenly Dean opened the door and Castiel would’ve fallen down if Dean hadn’t caught him. Before either of them had the chance to say something, Dean pressed Castiel with his back against the door frame and kissed him passionately.  
“You’re so stupid Castiel,” he said roughly and then Castiel noticed that Dean was crying too. “You could have anyone. But me?” He kissed Castiel again, his hands grabbing his waist roughly. “You’re so stupid.”  
Castiel moaned quietly when Dean kissed his neck but he pulled his face higher again, so he could look him in the eyes. “I don’t want ‘anyone’, Dean. I just want you.”  
Dean growled quietly and then grabbed Castiel’s thighs, lifting him up and carrying him to the mattress, laying both of them down on it. His lips were all over Castiel’s body and Castiel felt as if he could drown in the kisses. His hands wandered under Dean’s shirt, stroking aimlessly over his soft skin.  
But suddenly, Dean pulled back, looking down at Castiel for a moment, while both tried to catch their breath again. “We should stop, Castiel,” Dean said then.  
“What? Why?” Castiel tried to pull him down again, but Dean refused to give in.  
“You’re drunk.”  
“So? I don’t care. I’m not that drunk.” Castiel moved back just enough so he could sit up and look at Dean.  
“But _I_ care. I told you I don’t want your first time to happen when-”  
“C’mon, Dean,” Castiel interrupted him. He grabbed the collar of Dean’s shirt and pulled him closer, starting to undo the buttons. “It’s my decision, too. It’s about _my_ first time, not yours. I’ve waited long enough for it. I know I want it.” He bent forward to kiss him, sliding his hands down the open front of Dean’s shirt.  
Dean sighed quietly and Castiel could feel him giving in, when his lips softened and he leaned closer. “You know I can’t resist you,” he murmured against Castiel’s lips, before he kissed them again.

It was wonderful.  
Castiel was insecure at first. He had never done anything like this before. But he was also curious and the curiosity helped him to overcome his nervousness. He had never seen another naked male body before, so at first he just stared at Dean with widened eyes. Dean didn’t mind; he gave Castiel all the time he wanted to explore his body, to touch every inch of his skin.  
Dean was as greedy for it as Castiel, but at the same time he was soft and gentle, taking it slow where they needed to, letting Castiel’s body accustom to everything, but at the same time giving Castiel everything he wanted, right _when_ he wanted it. Castiel couldn’t have imagined that it would feel this amazing. He felt so close to Dean – his touches where everywhere at once, sending the most wonderful sensations through Castiel’s body – and Castiel didn’t want to give up this connection ever again.  
“You know I love you too,” Dean whispered afterwards, when they laid there, both calming down again, Castiel cuddled against Dean’s chest. “Just because I said you were stupid for loving me, doesn’t mean I don’t love you too.”  
Castiel nodded, before he raised his head and pressed a kiss against Dean’s chin. “And you know I didn’t mean what I said in the kitchen. It’s just… I saw Gabriel today… and he told me how horrible I’d look and stuff and I don’t know. When I came home I kind of freaked out.”  
Dean nodded understandingly and gently stroke through Castiel’s hair.  
“I shouldn’t have said those things,” Castiel continued. “I’m sorry.”  
“You don’t have to be sorry.” Dean pressed a kiss on Castiel’s forehead. “That’s exactly it. You don’t have to be sorry, because it’s the truth. I _did_ destroy your life. I mean, look at you. When I met you, you had everything. You were so innocent, so _good_. And now look what I did to you. You’re drunk nearly every day, you take drugs, you don’t go to school anymore… - And I’m not saying that this makes me love you less, but that’s not how your life’s supposed to be. You had chances for a bright future and I ruined this for you.”  
Castiel pushed himself a bit away from Dean, so he could look at him, but Dean avoided Castiel’s gaze. “Don’t say this, Dean,” Castiel said and laid his hand on Dean’s cheek. “It’s not true. You never forced me to do those things. And I mean yes, maybe I did have the possibility to go to college or I don’t know what. But you wanna know what? I don’t give a shit about college. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have learned to accept myself like I do now.”  
“That’s not true. You had Gadreel. You shouldn’t have left him for me.”  
Castiel scoffed. “This with Gadreel wouldn’t have ended up good anyway. I didn’t feel comfortable around him anymore. I thought it was about this whole being gay in general, but it wasn’t. Because as soon as I was with you, it was different. I felt comfortable again and everything was fine.”  
“I’m glad you see it like that,” Dean murmured, giving up the discussion and pulled Castiel closer for a kiss.  
“So… do we have any plans for the weekend?” Castiel asked then.  
Dean shrugged. “I dunno. What do you wanna do?”  
“I don’t care.”  
“Me either,” Dean just said and buried his face in the crook of Castiel’s neck, kissing him softly. Castiel hummed approvingly and his hands glided over Dean’s shoulders, down to his lower back, pulling him closer.  
“How about we postpone this decision? I know something I’d like to do _right now_.”

* * *

**__ **

For the next few weeks, it was going rather good for them. They had some harsh fights, but this was normal for them since they both were pretty touchy when they were drunk. But in the end, everything was fine between them, even though they both could get really mean when they fought, and this was all that counted.  
The only thing that was a recurrent issue, was the way Dean earned money. He had never told Castiel what he did, not even when Castiel had asked after it. From the way Dean acted, Castiel knew it couldn’t be legal, but he didn’t care about this, he just wanted to know if he could help. He felt bad, because since he didn’t go to school anymore, he just stayed at home all day and didn’t do anything while Dean was working. But Dean refused to tell him, because he didn’t want Castiel to get ‘involved in all this stuff’. Besides, he always said, they still had some of Castiel’s money left. – But only because Dean didn’t want to spend it. He said they should put the few hundred dollars that were left aside and save them for emergencies. Castiel had no idea what he could mean with emergencies, because the way he’d said it, had sounded as if he was afraid something specific could happen.  
Way too soon, Castiel found out what Dean had been afraid of.  
It was Thursday night, the sixteenth of May. Castiel remembered the date exactly, because this night, was the night he gave up the last bit that was left from his pride and principles.  
It was three a.m. and he had just fallen asleep, after he’d come down from the meth he’d taken earlier this day, when suddenly he heard a door falling shut loudly and in the next second the light went on in the bedroom. Sleepy and confused, Castiel sat up and rubbed over his eyes.  
“What the fuck, Dean?” He needed a few seconds before his eyes focused and he could really see Dean. He was opening all drawers, rummaging through all of them, throwing things on the floor and cursing loudly.  
“Dean, what’s wrong?” Castiel asked, when Dean didn’t bother to explain anything to him.  
“I’m so _fucked_ ,” Dean just hissed, but eventually turned around to Castiel. His hair was messed up and his left cheekbone was bruised. “How much is left from your money?” he asked, before Cas had the chance to ask about what had happened to his face.  
“Uhm… four hundred, I think,” Castiel said and then stood up and got the money. He quickly counted it and then nodded. “Four hundred-thirty.”  
“Fuck.” Dean took the money out of Castiel’s hand and then pulled some wrinkled bills out of his pockets. Castiel took a closer look at them and when he saw that it were about three hundred dollars, he raised his eyebrows surprised.  
“Where did you get this money?” he asked. Just this morning, Dean had complained about not having any money left.  
“Doesn’t matter,” Dean muttered. “It’s not enough.”  
“What do you need the money for?” Castiel was already totally boisterous again, because Dean’s tension was practically tangible.  
“Debts.”  
Dean stuffed all the money in his pocket and for a moment, he stood there as if he was frozen, before he suddenly turned around again and continued searching through all of their drawers and their closet.  
“We _need_ to have some money left,” he hissed desperate. “God fucking dammit.”  
“Dean…” Castiel laid his hands on Dean’s shoulders. “You know we don’t. Those four hundred dollars are all we have.”  
“Fuck!” Dean slammed the closet door hut and then leaned against it, sinking down on the floor. “They’re gonna fucking kill me,” he whispered. “They’re gonna rip me in fucking pieces, for fuck’s sake.”  
“Dean, tell me what happened,” Castiel sat down in front of him and laid his hands on Dean’s knees. Dean’s hands were shaking when he reached over to where the small box had fallen down on the floor, took it on his lap and began to roll a joint. Castiel waited patiently, because he could figure, that Dean needed to calm down now.  
“You know… it may seem stupid, but… short after Benny died… I started dealing,” Dean said eventually. Castiel raised his eyebrows and blinked surprised. He opened mouth to say something, but Dean didn’t let him. “I didn’t tell you, because I knew your would tell me to stop. But… I mean, C pays really well. And… he’s actually nice. Unless you don’t get the money in time.” He sighed deeply and ran his hand through his hair, dragging on the joint. “And last week… some guys attacked me and stole the stuff I was supposed to sell. Fuck, it’s exactly the same thing that had happened to Benny. I need to get the money until tomorrow noon, or he’s gonna fucking kill me.”  
“How much… how much do you need?” Castiel asked, his voice barely audible in a desperate attempt to stay calm.  
“Well, I… I already paid him six hundred… and now I have seven hundred more… so I need five hundred more.”  
“Five hundred?” Castiel leaned back and exhaled sharply. “Fuck, Dean. How are we supposed to get five hundred bucks until tomorrow?”  
“ _We?_ Oh no, Cas. There is no we in this. It’s my fault and my business. You don’t have anything to do with this.”  
“Fuck, Dean! Just let me help you.”  
“You can’t, okay? Just… just let it be.”  
“Tell me how you got those three hundred dollars today,” Castiel said, already having a suspicion.  
Dean pressed his lips together and lowered his head, avoiding Castiel’s gaze.  
“Just fucking tell me!” Castiel said sharply. “You had no problem doing it so at least you can fucking look me in the eyes and tell me what you did!”  
“Cas, I’m sorry, I-”  
“ _Tell me_ ,” Castiel growled, his voice getting louder with every word. “Just fucking look me in the eyes and tell me that you played hooker again. Look me in the eyes and fucking tell me that you fucked a stranger for money. For God’s sake, just tell me, Dean.”  
Dean bit down on his lower lip, but eventually he raised his head and looked at Castiel. “I did, okay? I had sex for money. And I’m sorry for it. But I’m not gonna lie, I’d do it again. And probably will.”  
Castiel took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down again. “Fine,” he said then. “Alright. So you plan on doing this for the remaining five hundred dollars too?”  
“I would,” Dean said honestly. “But… I don’t think I would get that much.”  
“Why? You just got three hundred today.”  
“Well, yeah. But that was before they beat me up. My face doesn’t look that bad, but…” He leaned back and raised his shirt. Castiel cursed quietly under his breath when he saw this. Nearly Dean’s whole ribcage was bruised.  
“The ones I know that would pay well, won’t want me like this. I mean… maybe I can do some blowjobs, but you don’t get that much for them.” He shrugged.  
Castiel swallowed empty; he was equally shocked and disgusted about how casually Dean talked about this stuff. But at the same time… it wasn’t like it was totally groundless. After all, it _was_ a fast way to earn money. “You know… when I said I wanted to help… I meant it,” Castiel said quietly. Now _he_ was avoiding Dean’s eyes.  
“No Castiel,” Dean just said. “You can’t do this. You don’t have to do this. I won’t let you do this.”  
“I would do it for you.”  
Dean pulled Castiel closer and kissed him softly. “I know, okay? But I can’t let you do this. I know you don’t want this.”  
“Oh, so you _do_ want it?”  
Dean frowned. “Of course not.”  
“You see? You do it even though you don’t want it. So why shouldn’t I? What do you think do I prefer? Going through one horrible night, or losing you?”  
Dean chew on his lower lip and now he seemed to be thinking about it.  
“I’m serious, Dean. I’ll do it.”  
“A-alright,” Dean agreed then. “I know some… they… they’re okay, I guess. And they’ll pay well.”  
Castiel nodded. “I trust you in this, Dean.”

It _was_ a horrible night. The three guys Dean hooked Castiel up with weren’t cruel or something – they really tried to make it good for Castiel – it was just the whole concept that made it impossible for Castiel to feel anything different than disgust. He just tried to not think too much about it and just get it done instead.  
Dean had been right though; he wasn’t able to do much himself. But in the end, this didn’t matter. The only important thing was that they got the money they needed in time.  
“How do you feel?” Dean asked Castiel when they were driving back home.  
Castiel shrugged. “I’m okay, I guess. I just need a shower now.”  
“Okay,” Dean said softly and reached over to lay his hand on Castiel’s shoulder, pressing it gently. “Thank you, Castiel. I know this was… hard for you, but I’m… I’m really thankful you helped me.”  
“It’s fine. I’m just glad we have the money now.”  
“Yeah, me too.”  
As soon as they came home, Castiel immediately went to the bathroom to take a hot shower. After a while, Dean suddenly came in too and only then he noticed that he had started crying.  
“I’m so sorry, Castiel,” Dean whispered and hugged him tightly and pressed a kiss on his temple.  
“I feel disgusting,” Castiel whimpered and buried his face on Dean’s chest while the hot water streamed down over his back.  
“You’re not. I don’t want in any way justify that I made you do this, but you saved my life, Castiel. Literally. Please don’t feel bad about yourself. If anyone here’s disgusting, then it’s me, alright? Because of _me_ you had to do this.”  
“You’re not disgusting.” Castiel laid his hand on Dean’s nape and pulled him down for a kiss. “And it was worth doing it for you.”  
Dean smiled lightly, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “I love you,” he whispered and kissed Castiel again.  
When they left the shower, they went to the bedroom and put on some clothes before they laid down on the mattress. Dean reached back to the duffel bag, which laid next to the bed and pulled out two small ampoules. He held one of them up in front of Castiel’s face.  
“Want some?”  
Castiel nodded. He could really need this now. Liquid X was one of the few things which he really _knew_. Mostly he just took whatever Dean had to offer without caring what it was, as long as it made him feel amazing.  
It needed about half an hour until it started to kick in and Castiel felt himself relax. All the worries just disappeared and he could forget about everything that had happened last night for a while. There was only him and Dean and since neither of them felt the desire to do anything sexual, they just laid in each other’s arms, sharing whispered words and delicate kisses.

Maybe they didn’t live their life like the average citizen. Maybe most people would say they were wasting it. But damn, they were alive, they were free, they could do whatever they wanted and most important, they had each other. And if this wasn’t perfect… then what was?


	4. When The Angels Sing

_August, 2002_

It was Tuesday (even though Castiel could swear, two hours ago it had been Friday) and it was the first time in about two weeks that he sober. Not that this was anyhow unusual; not in the last two months at least. A lot had changed lately. In the meantime, he had overcome all his struggles with hooking up – and apparently he had ‘perfect blowjob-lips’ to quote what some of the guys had said to him – so he earned good money with this. Dean was still dealing, but after what had happened, he was much more careful and so far, nothing like this had happened again.  
However, right now, he was trying to focus on what Dean was saying to him, but it was so hard because his had a throbbing headache and he still felt kinda dizzy.  
“Cas, you listening?” Dean raised his eyebrows.  
“Trying to.”  
Dean sighed and then told Castiel to wait a moment here. He stood up and went over to the bathroom. A moment later, he came back and before Castiel could react, Dean poured a glass of cold water in his face.  
“Fuck you!” Castiel hissed startled and wiped with his sleeve over his face. “What was that for?”  
“You need to listen!” Dean said urgently. “It’s important, okay?”  
But right in this moment, Castiel felt the oh-so-familiar sickness in his stomach. “Give me a second,” he managed to say to Dean before he rushed to the bathroom, just barely making it to the toilet before his stomach emptied itself.  
Dean sighed, but then followed him, gently rubbing over his back. “Crack again?”  
Castiel nodded before another gush of vomit nearly choked him. Right now, he could kill himself for eating so much this morning.  
“You feel better?” Dean asked when it finally stopped. Castiel nodded, even though now the whole room was spinning and if his stomach hadn’t been empty now, he could’ve puked just because of this. “Why did you even smoke it again? You should know by now that it isn’t good for you.”  
Castiel scoffed. “Yeah, because everything else we do all day is so good for us.”  
Dean rolled his eyes fondly. “You know what I mean. But now come. I still need to tell you.”  
Castiel got up and flushed the toilet, before he rinsed his mouth with water and then followed Dean back to the bedroom.  
“Okay, listen,” Dean said then. “C arranged this huge deal – and I mean _really_ huge. I can’t really tell you any details, unless… well, unless you’d help us. We could use another man in this and I know you’re trustworthy. It’s not dangerous, so I’d let you help us if you want, but you don’t have to. We get a shitload of money for it anyway.”  
“No, I’ll help,” Castiel said quickly.  
“You sure?” Dean asked. “You don’t even know what it’s about.”  
“It’s the first time I can do something else than sucking someone off for some money, so of course I’ll help you.”  
“Alright. I’m gonna tell C and then we’ll tell you the plan.”

C’s full name, how it turned out, was Crowley. Like Dean had already told Castiel a while ago, Crowley was on top of the whole drug chain here. He’d created some very good pills by himself but was also selling the ‘ordinary’ stuff. The job Dean and Cas were taking was basically bringing the new supply to his place, since Crowley didn’t want the guys who delivered it to know who he was or where he stored it.  
It had surprised Castiel, that Crowley allowed him to do this, since they didn’t know each other at all, but apparently he trusted Dean, so if Dean ensured him that Castiel was alright, Crowley believed him. The time it should happen, was Monday evening at six p.m. It was risky, since many people were around at this time, but exactly this would help them to stay nondescript.  
The plan was simple. Dean and Castiel would go to the agreed meeting point, take the drugs, pay the guys, drive over to Crowley and not get caught by the police. Neither of them had ever had any problems with the police – apart from a few nights in the drying-out cell in Dean’s case – so they weren’t suspicious or something.  
And yet Castiel was freaking nervous when they really had to do it. Of course both of them were sober so they wouldn’t make any stupid mistakes, but right now Castiel would’ve given everything for some weed.  
“You ready?” Dean asked him and when Castiel nodded, they left the car and went over to the other guys. The handing over went smooth and without any trouble. They carried the packages over to Dean’s car, paid the guys and drove off. It hadn’t taken more than five minutes.  
“It’s fine, Cas. Nobody saw us,” Dean said reassuring and laid his hand on Castiel’s thigh, when Castiel kept looking into the rear-view mirror, deadly afraid that suddenly a police car would show up. “We’re almost there.”  
Fifteen minutes later, Dean parked the car in Crowley’s garage and finally, Castiel could relax. Now, they could just hand it over to Crowley, get their money and it was over for them.  
Crowley was satisfied that everything had gone so well and – _damn_ – Dean hadn’t exaggerated. They _did_ get a shitload of money. Three grand each.  
Naturally, Dean immediately spent a good part of it to stock himself up with everything he didn’t have anymore, or wanted to try, but there was still so much money left, it was incredible. Castiel had never seen so much money at once in his whole life.  
“Oh, Dean, I have to tell you something,” Crowley said in a casual tone of voice.  
“Yeah?”  
“I just wanted to inform you, that Ash… isn’t longer with us.”  
Dean stumbled backwards as if Crowley had just hit him. “ _What?!_ ” he asked, his face deathly pale. But Crowley only waved him off. “Leave now. I’ve got business to do.” He disappeared in the house and closed the door behind himself.  
“Dean?” Castiel asked carefully. Had this meant what he thought it did?  
“Not now,” Dean just said, his voice ice-cold. He went back to the car and Castiel followed him quietly. On the way back home, Dean grabbed Castiel’s hand, but still not saying a single word. But the second they arrived to their apartment, Dean suddenly turned around and kissed Cas, greedily pulling him closer.  
“Dean, I don’t think this is a good idea right now,” Castiel said hesitant when he could free his lips for a moment.  
“I do.” Dean reached in his pocket and in the next moment Castiel felt the smooth surface of a pill pressing against his lips.  
“Molly?” he asked and when Dean nodded, he closed his lips around it and swallowed it. Dean took one of them too and then continued to kiss Castiel, urging him to the bedroom. By the time they let themselves fall down on the mattress, both of them were already naked, their bodies hard with desire. Castiel’s hands stroke over Dean’s body, immediately finding all those sweet sensitive spots. He knew Dean’s body as well as his own, knew exactly what he liked and how to drive him crazy. People could say what they wanted, but mollies were freaking _amazing_. Their sex was always great but those pretty little things turned every second of it into a flipping _firework_. Every time he felt Dean’s muscles tensing under his fingertips, saw Dean squirming and writhing underneath him, hearing him breathlessly moaning, it seemed even more amazing and even more perfect than the last time, even though this could impossibly be true.  
It wasn’t until two a.m. that Dean could finally allow himself to mourn over his loss. The effect of the pills had worn off by now, and Castiel just held Dean tightly in his arms, stroking over his back, listening to him telling all the things Ash had done for him, all the stuff they had gone through together.  
“I don’t wanna do this any longer, Castiel,” Dean said when he stopped crying, turning on his back and staring up at the dark ceiling. It wasn’t the first time, Dean said this, but Castiel never knew what he meant with this, because he never explained. Did he mean this lifestyle? Did he mean living in general? But just like always, Dean didn’t explain any further, but instead pressed a kiss on Castiel’s temple before he wished him a goodnight and then turned on his side to sleep.

Castiel thought a lot about what happened to Ash. Also thoughts about Benny came up again too. He was worrying really badly about Dean whenever he knew that Dean was out dealing and he really wished Dean would stop. Or at least make a break. They had so much money at the moment, Dean could easily get a while off, but Dean didn’t want to.  
“What if he gets someone else then, Cas?” he had said. “I don’t want to lose this job.”  
But Castiel wanted him to lose it. Not that he’d say this to Dean like this. He knew Dean would get angry on him and Castiel didn’t want to fight because of this. They already fought too often. Every time Dean left the house in a rage, Castiel was left worried and mostly in tears because he was so afraid that something would happen to Dean and they’d never get the chance to make up again. But Dean returned every time. And they did make up. Mostly with sex, but it didn’t matter how, all that counted was that in the end they could fall asleep next to each other on their shabby mattress.

The first time one of Castiel’s worries came true, was one night, when his phone rang and it was Dean, calling from the police station.  
“What happened?” Castiel asked, nearly panicking.  
“It’s fine, baby. I just… I got caught with weed. Can you come and pick me up? – Oh, and can you bring money for the deposit?”  
“O-of course.” Castiel forced himself to stay calm, because it wouldn’t help at all, if he would freak out now. “I’ll come as soon as possible.”  
Since Dean had the car, Castiel had to call a taxi to get to the police station. The whole time it was like sitting on embers. He had no idea what would happen now. What if they had found more than just weed on Dean? What if they found out that he was a drug dealer? What if they both would go to jail?  
The taxi driver seemed to notice that something was off with Castiel because he looked at him concerned a few times through the rear-view mirror, but he didn’t say anything.  
When they arrived there, Castiel paid the taxi and then went inside. It wasn’t nearly as big of a deal as Castiel would’ve thought it would be. Not even half an hour later, he and Dean were already out again and on their way back home.  
“So… you gonna tell me what happened?”  
“Yeah, well, I dunno what to say. They just saw me near _Purgatory_ and apparently I looked suspicious so they did a body search and luckily the only thing I had left was some weed.”  
“And what’s with the money? I mean… you must’ve gotten money if you sold the rest. Didn’t they get suspicious when they saw it? And why didn’t you pay the deposit with it?”  
Dean grinned. “They didn’t find it. Morons. Anyway, didn’t want to make myself even more suspicious, so I told you to take money with you.”  
“Oh. Alright.” For a while, they both just sat there in silence, continuing to drive home.  
“Dean…” Castiel began hesitant when they arrived at home eventually. “Do you think it’s a good idea to continue this job? It’s dangerous. What if they had caught you with more?  
Dean turned around and gently took Castiel’s hands. “Don’t worry about me. It was one time and it won’t happen again. I’ll be careful.”  
Castiel pressed his lips together, but didn’t say anything more, because he knew a discussion would be pointless. Instead he agreed with Dean to drop the subject and to make themselves a nice evening.  
They didn’t talk about what had happened again, mostly because the rest of the night Castiel was too high and the next day too hung over to catch any clear thoughts. Just after he had taken a shower and went to the bedroom to put on some clothes, he suddenly felt Dean’s hands on his hips and got turned around.  
“I got good news for you, baby,” Dean said and smiled at him, kissing him briefly. “I got two weeks off,” he continued then. “Thought you’d like this.”  
“Really?” A wide smile appeared on Castiel’s lips. “Oh that’s fantastic. Of course I like this!”  
“Yeah. I just had a phone call with Crowley and after what happened last night, he wants me to take a break for a while, so I don’t make myself even more suspicious. Thought you’d be happy about it.”  
“I am.” Castiel smiled and pulled Dean closer for a soft kiss.  
“I also got something for us.” Dean grinned and held up a small plastic-bag with two pills in it. “Some new stuff Crowley created. Garth tried them out and he said they’re amazing. Perfect way to start my free time.”  
The pills _were_ amazing. They didn’t directly cause hallucinations – and Castiel was glad about that, because he didn’t like hallucinations – but everything was bright and flashing colourful and… it was just incredible. But after a little more than an hour, when the effect slowly waned, Castiel noticed that Dean sat in the corner of the room, staring with widened eyes at the floor, mumbling something to himself.  
“You alright?” he asked and sat down next to him. Dean just slowly shook his head, still staring straight at the floor. “Are you feeling sick?”  
Dean shook his head again. But suddenly his head snapped up and he stared at the door, jumping up on his feet and pressing himself against the wall.  
“Dean… what’s wrong?”  
Dean didn’t answer him, but instead pushed Castiel away from himself and ran out of the room. It was a very exhausting night; Dean was getting really bad paranoia from the pills and it lasted for almost six hours. Castiel tried to calm him down as well as he could, but every wrong movement, every wrong sound got Dean panicking again.  
But at last, it was finally over and Dean calmed down again. He fell asleep leaning against the couch and Castiel half tugged, half carried him over to the mattress, where he laid him down. Dean’s sleep was restless and he mumbled incoherent words all the time, but after a while, Castiel managed to ignore it and fall asleep though.  
The next morning when he woke up, Dean wasn’t lying next to him anymore. He found him in the kitchen, hands on the counter and staring out of the small window. He didn’t wear anything but his dark jeans and so for a moment, Castiel just stood in the doorway, enjoying the view. But eventually, he walked up to Dean, laying his hands on his hips.  
“Morning,” Castiel said and pressed a kiss between Dean’s shoulder blades. Dean turned around to him, and for a while he just stared at Castiel.  
“Morning,” he said eventually, but his voice sounded weird.  
“Are you okay?” Castiel asked worried.  
“I don’t know.” Dean shook his head lightly and then took a deep breath. “I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’ve been thinking a lot.” He pressed his lips together for a moment. “I just…” He shook his head lightly and laid his hands on Castiel’s shoulders. “I really love you, Cas. And I feel like I’m destroying you. And I feel horrible for doing this.”  
Castiel shook his head and took Dean’s hand, stroking with his thumb over the back of it. “Don’t say this, Dean. You don’t destroy me. I love you too and I’m happy with our relationship. Just because it isn’t like the common relationship, doesn’t mean it’s not good.”  
Tears welled up in Dean’s eyes, but he blinked them away. “I don’t want anything to happen to one of us because of… what we do.”  
“Me either.” Castiel’s voice was barely more than a whisper. He refused to start overthinking why Dean talked about this. He refused to think about all the reasons why what they did wasn’t good. He didn’t want to give it up. He didn’t want to lose what they had. He just wanted everything to be like this forever, to be with Dean forever.  
Dean bent down and kissed him. “I still owe you a date,” he said then. “A sober one. Let’s do this tonight.”  
Castiel nodded and smiled at him. “Let’s do this.”

* * *

**__ **

They spent a nice evening together; they had fun and both of them liked it, but nevertheless, it didn’t happen more than once. It wasn’t that they wouldn’t want to do it anymore… they just always ended up either high or drunk.  
Castiel still thought a lot about the conversation they’d had and sometimes he was really doubting if they did the right thing. But then again, he didn’t want to think about those things, because it wasn’t important as long as he was with Dean. Nothing was.  
About two weeks after this, they made a small ‘party’ at their apartment. It wasn’t a real party, they just invited their friends and got drunk and high together. They hadn’t done this in a while, even though it was always really nice. Today, Meg was here too. Castiel still didn’t really like her, but she behaved herself better than the first time they’d met.  
Dean, Garth and he were sitting on the couch, all pretty drunk and Castiel stared out of the window, lightly distracted, even though there actually wasn’t anything to see. But then suddenly the smooth surface of an ampoule pressed against his lips and when Castiel opened his mouth the salty taste of Liquid X ran down over his tongue. Dean grinned at him, tossing the ampoule away when it was empty and bent forward to kiss Castiel. Castiel smiled too and leaned into the kiss, opening his mouth to let his tongue glide into Dean’s.  
“You know what I’d like to do now?” Dean murmured quietly in Castiel’s ear and smirked tantalizing. Without giving Castiel the chance to answer, he stood up and grabbed his wrist, pulling him out of the room. The second he closed the bathroom door behind them, Dean pushed Castiel against the wall and kissed him passionately. His hands fumbled on Castiel’s belt, until he got it open and then he opened the fly of Castiel’s jeans and shove the pants together with the briefs down. Castiel groaned quietly when Dean dropped on his knees, immediately mouthing at his hips, hands stroking over the insides of his thighs. Even though Castiel was hard in what had to be a new record time, Dean just kept kissing and nibbling on his hips and his thighs. Castiel growled and buried his fingers in Dean’s hair, pulling it lightly back, so Dean looked up at him. “You’re such a little tease,” he said then.  
Dean just grinned, but then leaned forward, licking once over the whole length of Castiel’s erection. Castiel groaned quietly and loosened his grip. Dean’s lips closed around the tip of his cock and Castiel sank back against the wall, closing his eyes and just enjoying Dean’s treatment. The Liquid X kicked in about halfway through it and – _damn_ – it just felt so good.  
“You’re so beautiful when you come,” Dean afterwards said with a rough voice when he stood up and pressed a soft kiss on Castiel’s lips. “Could watch you the whole day.”  
Castiel chuckled low and pulled Dean closer for a longer kiss, before he pulled his pants up and dressed again. When they went back to the bedroom, the others rolled their eyes at them because it was more than obvious what they had done. If he would be sober, Castiel would’ve been embarrassed, but now he couldn’t really care. It didn’t need long and the others were also too wasted to care anyway.  
Everything was going so well these days. They had loads of fun and Castiel enjoyed it so much. Everything just felt so right. And exactly this was the reason Castiel didn’t realize how wrong it actually was, until it was too late.

He probably should’ve known that this would happen sooner or later. – Or even just _considered_ it. But he hadn’t. Of course, you always hear about things like this, but you never think they would really happen to you, until they did.  
 _Overdose._  
He had heard the word so many times. Casually they talked about it in everyday conversations. That friend from that guy had overdosed. The cousin from that one guy.  
But not this time.  
This time it wasn’t just ‘some friend from some guy’. This time it was _his_ friend. His boyfriend.  
Castiel couldn’t comprehend what had happened. He remembered that last night, he and Dean had invited their friends over again and of course had taken some pills again. He remembered that they’d had sex and the other’s making fun of them like usual. He remembered that he had fallen asleep, but he didn’t know what had happened afterwards.  
He only knew that suddenly Garth had woken him up and what Garth had told him.  
 _“It was an overdose, Cas. After you fell asleep… we… we took some coke. It wasn’t much, but I guess it was just…_ too _much for him.”_  
The words circulated endlessly in his brain. Didn’t let go of him. And then, all of a sudden, something in him snapped and he jumped up and started screaming, pushing Garth against the chest, shoving him away from himself.  
“ _Shut up_!” he shouted. “Just shut the fuck up! This isn’t true. None of it is! Dean _isn’t_ dead. He _can’t be._ Things like this don’t happen to him. He’s _Dean_!” Castiel felt the hot wetness of his tears streaming down over his face and his whole body was shaking violently.  
“Cas…” Garth slowly walked closer. “I know this is very hard for you, but you-”  
“ _NO!_ Shut your mouth!” Castiel’s knees gave in, but he didn’t feel the pain when he crashed down on the floor. “This isn’t true!”  
Garth gave up talking and instead just laid his arms around Castiel and hugged him tightly. At first. Castiel protested, but then his whole body went limp and he just leaned against Garth’s chest, crying out loud.

It wasn’t fair. Of course, whose life was, but it _just wasn’t fair_. Castiel didn’t get to say goodbye to Dean. He didn’t get to tell him that he loved him again. Their life together had just started and now it was already over.  
The days passed blurry and even though this might be ironic, Castiel was completely zonked. But he just couldn’t deal with the thought of Dean not being here anymore. Every time he thought about it, it was as if someone ripped open his chest and shredded his heart into pieces. He didn’t know how he should survive this.  
But somehow, he did.  
Because that was the thing about time. No matter how hard it was. No matter if every second was torture. No matter if you felt like breaking down with every breath you take… time passes. Even when the seconds feel like years and the minutes like centuries… it goes on and on and on. Unremittingly, merciless.  
The first few weeks had been hell. Even after he had been able to accept the fact that Dean was dead, he had woken up some times in the middle of the night and for a moment – only for a split second – it had felt as if everything was right, but then the realization had hit him and he remembered that it _wasn’t._ _Nothing_ was alright.  
Hundreds and thousands of times, whenever someone realized how he felt, people patted him on the shoulder saying things like ‘it gets better’ or ‘time heals all wounds’, but those were lies. It didn’t get better. With every hour, every day, every week it got worse. Castiel was constantly in pain. It didn’t matter that people told him to stay strong. It didn’t matter that they told him that they’d be here if he needed them. He didn’t need _them_. He needed _Dean._ He couldn’t live without him. He needed Dean like he needed air to breathe.  
That’s why he took a decision.

It was Dean’s birthday. The date was kinda coincidental, but when Castiel realized what day it was, he was even more convinced that he needed to do this. It couldn’t go on like this.  
Kicking the apartment door shut behind himself, Castiel let his bag fall down on the floor, stumbling through the corridor to his bedroom. His vision was blurry; he had been constantly drunk since like three days. Or were it already five? He didn’t know anymore.  
He let himself fall down on the shabby mattress, kicking the boots from his feet. With shaky hands, he pulled the picture out of his pocket, looking at it one last time. It was one of the only pictures he had of Dean.  
He was smiling on the picture. His green eyes were shining like a thousand emeralds, freckles scattered over his nose and his cheek, his pouty lips widened in a smile.  
It hurt. Looking at the picture, thinking about him still hurt so much. But Castiel couldn’t stop. It was an addiction. Not only the memories, but also the pain. The pain showed him that _he_ had been real. That he had been there.

And not much longer until they’d finally be re-united.

Castiel’s hands were calm for the first time in months when he placed the picture on the nightstand, together with a small, crumpled piece of paper. His font was scrawly and hard to read but this didn’t matter.  
He looked down at the picture again, and a small smile – the first smile since Dean’s death – appeared on his lips.  
“See you there, Dean,” he whispered and pulled out the small box with the pills.

* * *

**__ **

_There isn’t a lot in this world, that’s really important._   
_For me, only one person truly was. I’ve barely known him for a year, and yet I’d say without hesitation, that he was the most important person in my life._   
_Many people probably think that I’m crazy for what I did. That my decisions had been wrong. That I should’ve been smarter. But I can’t agree._   
_I know I’ve always loved him too much. I’ve loved him more than what was healthy for me. I don’t know what my life would’ve been like if I hadn’t met him. Or if I would’ve noticed that the love – or whatever it had been – between us wasn’t healthy anymore. A lot longer, probably. A lot more livable. But better?_   
_I’m not sure about that. I can't imagine living without him. I tried it. Those past few months, I really tried. But I can't._   
_I need to be with him, or I don’t want to be at all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all very much for reading this!  
> Feedback is very very appreciated.  
> Feel free to share this if you liked it :D
> 
> Note:  
> The title of the story as well as the titles of the individual chapters are names of Social Distortion songs, which - in my eyes - fit the individual chapter, not only because of the name, but also because of their content. Just as 'Through These Eyes' fits the whole story very well.


End file.
